joy is only an illusion...

2011-03-19T23:46:00.002+08:00

it's during the 'sometimes', when i so badly want someone to talk to, that you always happen to, not be there.

nope, you can't hear me.

2011-01-28T08:31:00.002+08:00

it's been kinda long since i last updated here so i doubt anyone will come here anymore.. right? so many things have happened in the past year, from the biggest hurdle of A levels down to the things which once seemed so big and important to me but now, upon looking back, i realise how stupid and foolish i was. many lessons learnt, through the hard way, and i've never ever found the answer i want, but perhaps time really heals all wounds, or maybe i'm forcing myself to believe in that with conviction. the pain has dissolved, but the scar remains. it's evident that people move on, so why can't i do the same on my part? and as usual, i always cause my own predicaments :X how stupid. remember this lesson, and never allow yourself to fall again in this manner. you can't afford it, you know it yourself. which explains why...

teaching internship has been really tiring but fun in a way actly, getting to meet new ppl (fellow interns you'en hweetian daphne!!) and also students who are actly super funny. yup they do mug, but actly i dont think they are that diff from dh. students are still students, just as playful, just as childlike, just as funny in their own rights. i actly miss dh, cos now i no longer have legitimate reasons to see some ppl who i wish to, cos after all, we belong to diff leagues in life, don't we? and our paths may well nvr cross again. but nevertheless, learn to give thanks for all i have, cos i never know when they will be taken away from me as well. some ppl really treat me much better than i ever deserve. ohwells. haha seems super emo, but i'd rather think of it being reflective.

cny's coming soon, then vday, but this year seems diff in that certain ppl are going into the army soon, and i also wonder whether some will rmbr... cny cny. everytime i say i'm gna start afresh. but i never can. this time, i'd better make it. i'm gna go overseas anw. i have to. the few years away will make that diff. so i have to do all i can to secure that. argh. the complexities of life.

2010-10-24T21:07:00.002+08:00

and what i'm looking for (and really want / need), is still that sense of security, which even i, can no longer give myself. 14 days to the exam that determines my future. and the question to ask is, what on earth am i still doing here. argh.

2010-09-19T18:05:00.001+08:00

即使我有多么不开心，那又怎么样？

2010-09-09T22:27:00.003+08:00

ALL HAIL H3 AND PRELIMS!

i should srsly start praying harder. and hope a miracle happens. whee!

and what i didn't want to happen, is happening again. just great.

life rocks ^^

so not.

there's so much i wna rant about and everything. i actly had the intention of typing non-stop or sth to vent my anger. aiya but staring at the blank H3 doc i know this isn't where i should be. darn.

farewell, world. and to whoever is still reading this, GO STUDY! haha jiayou everyone (:

ONLY LOVE Lyrics - TRADEMARK

2010-08-01T00:35:00.001+08:00

ONLY LOVE Lyrics - TRADEMARK: "2 a.m. and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You're asking me

But only love can say - try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do

In your arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I've tried my best to make you see
There's hope beyond the pain
If we give enough, if we learn to trust

[Chorus]

I know if I could find the words
To touch you deep inside
You'd give our dream just one more chance
Don't let this be our good-bye"

2010-08-01T00:26:00.003+08:00

everything is pouring down. and i'd love to deny, but i really cannot handle it. i just want to get out of all these.

there's now this mechanism in me.. i find it very hard to open up. either i don't want to appear weak, don't want to burden people, or yup, i'm afraid of getting hurt. they always say the toughest shell hides the weakest interior. i don't want to put up a front anymore. i feel terrible, but i can't put it in words. and there's actly one more thing i'm 'stressed' about. but that's sth i can nvr voice out. that's sth, i can nvr tell anyone. i don't understand myself anymore.

2010-07-27T23:44:00.002+08:00

banging your head against a steel wall.
pain.
stabbing at your heart with a knife.
pain.
smiling through the tears.
pain.
pretending to not know.
pain.
acting like everything's ok.
pain.

the significance is lost. and efforts are futile. the night is long and cold. and one seeks solace in nothing, but the empty room, and the memories of what once was. the consequences, of unconditionality.

i'm gna fail my gp if i continue writing like that. incoherent, disjunct thoughts and sentences. sigh.

2010-07-11T00:30:00.002+08:00

Broken -- Sezairi Sezali

Dropped off your keys last night,
the front door still unpainted.
You were polite like ice,
I, once could melt it.

You took our pictures down,
and you left them on the ground,
it's like you wiped all the memories,
of what we used to be...
You and me,
before it all crashed down.

And I know I never told you,
that I love you, now it's all too late.
And I don't know how to hold you,
but I want to, I don't want to leave this way.
All I know, is broken.

I heard your voice break when you said,
"Well I hope you're happy."
Nothin' to say, I'll stare,
straight into my coffee.

Then the conversation changed,
how we talked about the blame, and the pain of losing.
All of the good times lost,
when it all crashed down.

Well I'm here if you need me,
I know you don't believe me,
Well I'm so sorry,
for all the pain I've caused ho-ohhhh...

sometimes i really wonder why you ask me if you're not going to take what i said into consideration. since saying is equivalent to not saying, or even worse than not saying, why keep making me say? can you just respect me? and respect my feelings and wht i say if you want to know wht i'm thinking. theory vs reality. how scary for a theory you've always believed in to suddenly be proven wrong hmmm. it's not that i don't think through before i make my decisions; i don't know why things always go awry also. it's not like i ever wanted things to turn out like that. i cannot not face it anymore. fourth person. i've no choice but to believe it's the truth.
and, it's really suffocating.

2010-07-04T02:02:00.001+08:00

it's 2 am and my stomach's hurting like crap. the aftermath of 9'oclock dinner and 2 eclairs i had to finish up otherwise they'll spoil by tmr acc to my mum -.- zzz. freaking pain. on top of wht i saw which adds on to the unsettledness.. i should be sleeping soon -.- goodnight, world.

2010-07-03T23:45:00.002+08:00

rewind. looking back at the past just makes me not want to let it all slip past me.
relish. all good things come to an end eh?
reminisce. i wish i could say i remember only the fond memories, but my heart won't let me.
refresh. i just want to experience that feeling once more.
remember. how can i ever forget?
replay. if only we were a video, and we could just do it once more.
rewrite. can we ever change what happened?
retry. why..? why.. not?
restart. please?

"love is forever." -- weicong
really?

another senseless post -.-

2010-06-26T23:26:00.003+08:00

life is a battlefield. and i'm now being torn trampled upon / torn apart/ ripped open or whatever you call it. i just want to skip through all the pain and reach the happy ending. but true, without the pain, the ending wouldn't seem all that happy. i bet 10 years down the road i will look back and find myself really stupid. absurd even. well, i already know i am. but still, it doesn't change anything.

2010-06-26T01:31:00.002+08:00

romantic or realist.. i guess i can't deny i'm a romantic through and through eh? prefer following heart over head, loves happy fairytale endings though knowing they are not possible in reality, crying my heart out for drama characters and everything.. i love watching dramas. when watching dramas, i don't have to put up any pretence. just let the dramas take me wherever they go . dramas make me feel 'human', compared to the cold, aimless life i feel i am leading. if only my life was a drama. haha. with a guaranteed happy ending like that in 'The Mysteries of Love". Touching show, realistic with ups and downs of life, typical story of how ppl's mindset changes after near death experiences which make them realise wht they really treasure and appreciate and everything, leading to a though cliche but heartwarming ending all viewers look forward too.. the search for predictability and a happy ending... something everyone wants. right? (:

2010-06-15T22:49:00.003+08:00

went out to study with peirong at esplanade! some pig was so lazy we took a bus to aljunied mrt LOL. ohwell. i have bus pass anw (: sigh we both got killed by math topics... APGP and Sigma.. which we wasted practically one day on :x ended up at starbucks after lunch and a bit of window shopping haha. and spent a fair bit of time at Times..

came across a book at Times today... by the same author as Letters to Sam! Great author (: i found sth he said really meaningful: "it seems as if the more we let go, the more we experience love. love is beyond everything else -- anxiety, resentment, desire, hope. Love is open-hearted, demands nothing and needs nothing. It is more likely to visit when our desires are quiet, when we don't need and want much, and when we accept that everything we love is not permanent but with us at this very moment. Love cures people -- both the ones who give it and those who receive it." haha.. just tugged at my heartstrings somehow. ended up doing a few random personality quizzes published by MENSA with peirong lol. and we saw this book abt time-managing, we should so get it heh :X thanks girl for the study session today, and for the short chat.. you're right, and yup, i shouldn't pretend it doesn't exist.

furniture's gna come in tmr and thurs, honestly i feel abit she3 bu4 de2. the familiar look of everything -- the study, the bedroom, the hall, all going to change. maybe it's for the better lar, after all it's being 20 years, but some things just cannot be replaced. and things cannot be permanent -- they will grow old, turn dusty, and lose their purpose and meaning one day. nothing's permanent eh. change, inevitable (: i should take some pictures before the big revamp haha. i never knew this about myself, but i just realised, i really really, hate change.

2010-06-13T21:02:00.002+08:00

just came back from a family chalet... woke up at 500 this morning to catch the sunrise!! and we reached the beach and walked for don know how long before we checked and realised sunrise was at 7 -.- caught it anw, and yup it was beautiful haha. will we have the chance to watch it tgt someday?

nothing much to say, except that i think i am pretty dead cos there's only 2 weeks left of the hols and i haven't been following my revision / lunwen/ H3 plans at all! argh! oh well nvm. there are 2 weeks left.. let's make the best out of it :X and hopefully on a good start tmr by finally packing the room sigh.

decided to embark on a 'project' starting today. hopefully i can faithfully carry it through till the end.. and hopefully the results will prove my efforts worthwhile (: jiayou everyone! :D

2010-06-04T20:15:00.004+08:00

always happens in dramas, stories, movies... about ppl losing their loved ones all of a sudden, really without any prior 'knowledge' so much that it comes as a shock followed by immense pain and then regretting not spending enough time / regretting not saying or doing wht they wanted to with that person etc, the remorse for the unfulfilled dates, unkept promises, hurtful words.. i always wondered how i would deal with these situations should they ever happen to me.. but i nvr ever expected it to really happen to me / someone (who used to be) close to me...

just read the past week's papers today, and it really came as a shock.. told my mum and she asked if i was sure... yup... i checked... your name, your bro's and your mum's correspond.. i remember the last time i met you abt 1 year + / 2 years back? you were telling me about your brother... how much he changed and how fantastic he now was.. and his ambitions and everything, and how your parents and you were proud of him... and now.. i know it isn't fair.. and i know you're probably trying vry hard to cope with it.. we aren't that close now.. it's been long since i last talked to you, and i lost your number... but i hope you will see the email.. and know that if you do need to, i can, and will be there for you girl. please take care of yourself, and stay strong..

which leads me to think.. how many regrets will i have if i were to just leave one day? the me you knew 6 years back, you'd probably think i'd leave regretless? haha. maybe it was true then... i didn't exactly let my parents down, my grades were kinda fine, piano was one of my more 'outstanding' achievements, teachers and family members were 'prouder' of me i guess, i had close friends, a 'loved' one... and at that time, i didn't contemplate that much. so i guess i fulfilled all my promises, did i? and yup, i wasn't that afraid to express my feelings. now.. i'm scared, my grades suck, disappointing much, and everything else.. throw in indecisiveness and fear to say how i feel.. in the end, i really don't want to leave with so many regrets if i really had to without prior notice one day, cos life's unpredictable, but if life were to go on as normal, i'd, once again, have no courage to face the 'consequences' for wht i say/ do..

ppl always say live life to the fullest and live every moment to your last, but when someone really lives life without qualms about tmr, we usually attach negative connotations, like 'rash', 'impulsive' etc. life's an irony..

2010-06-01T23:35:00.002+08:00

haha i should have seen the signs.. maybe all of them were right all along.

2010-05-28T23:06:00.002+08:00

went out shopping today! woke up at 10 plus :D happiness.. haha. going to pay off my sleep debt slowly during this hols (: on top of studying >< sigh. but more sleep = less study time. arghhh. started off by going to expo for the popular fair, gosh it was SO CROWDED. apparently there was like food fair, john little fair, some electronics fair and a sports apparel fair all on at the same time.. explaining the people mountain people sea situation lol. in the end after squeezing thru the crowds like mad, my father decided that it wasn't worth the time to queue up o.0 so left expo haha. went parkway.. shopping spree again lol. GSS on.. quite alot of good buys (: going to change my phone, iphone, maybe? surprisingly, i think i will miss my current phone lol. wanted W995, mum was adamant against letting me buy sony phones again haha. ohwell.

backtracking... wednesday's gp test was HMMM. i don know. i actually managed to finish both papers, and actly i think they were ok larh.. not easy, but not THAT hard either. hopefully i will do ok lorh. if i even lose gp to 11-year-(old) friend, i really have nth to say lol. but if i srsly wna be a worthy competitor to him, guess i have to mug like crap... someone pro lorh, one of the top few for some chem test. and it had to be announced the DAY AFTER i decided to compete with him. grrr. better start saving up money for the one day worth of meals lol. sighhhhh. after gp went cycling with peirong! pretty far distance? 2km before changi beach (: thanks girl, for going with me haha. and sry for my vry poor direction sense! (and for making you walk the 100 m -.-) i fell down, which actly isn't surprising (though i hate to admit it haha) and now bruise on lower calf and wounds on knee (: great hah. first time to The Helix or wdv it is called, it's quite pretty at night actly. haha. don't have to thank me... cos your company was much needed and appreciated too.

window-shopping with peirong again on thursday.. haha how long did we walk ard 313 ar girl? HAH. trying on clothes was kinda fun actly, apart from me keep scraping my knee >< wanted to buy some stuff but both of us managed to control in the end HAHA. supposed to be our reward after studying. retail therapy yay (:

tmr... open house. sigh. thought i could sleep in on saturday. ohwell. it's the last open house i can ever do anyway, so guess i should cherish the chance (:

june hols.. time to mug my head off. jiayou everyone! 5 more months to liberation (:

2010-05-22T10:25:00.002+08:00

GP COMMON TEST IN 4 DAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

at least math test and chem spa are over, and math test seems passable (: for once heh. chem spa was kind of ok, with a few weird coloured compounds formed for some reason -.- and some negative results which were supposed to be positive (?!) ohwell. really really sorry to eugene and samuel!!!! wasn't intentional at all, i don't know wht happened either. ok larh i don't think you all will see this but yup, really sorry!

ytd went to jeenise's condo for qing4 gong1 yan4 for chuida concert. though there weren't any activities, guess everyone just had fun on their own, talking in their own groups and such (: had a great time catching up with the girls talking about **** *** and *** ** haha! and yup, just being together with them. jeenise and i finally spilled whatever we owed eunice and huijing, haha, thanks girls for the HTHT, which kind of 'forced' me to face up to my feelings. never knew we were so similar eh, eunice.. haha. ohwells. life's an irony and torture (: LOL.

went back with beverly after that, there was this super weird guy on the bus who KEPT LOOKING AT US AND SMILING! like gosh. haha i was more afraid than beverly -.- cos the way i was sitting 'forced' me to stare right into his smiling face everytime -.- and he was talking weirdly larh, about wht father dying and getting inheritance. was kind of scared that he would follow us down at aljunied, but thank god he didn't -.- beverly looked up the bus after we alighted and he was still smiling at us with that weird sinister grin. *shudders* plain weird. and after that, some other weird guy 'followed' me back. or maybe he was just coincidentally going the same way lar, on hindsight, but bcos of the 'bus guy' i guess i was kind of afraid and paranoid. haha. ohwell. shan't elaborate. thanks for talking to me.. in the end, when i encounter problems, you are still one of the first i think of naturally... sigh.

going be a hectic week chionging lunwen and GP common test, after which, cycling :D

GOOD LUCK TO ALL FOR GP CT (:

on a last note, jay chou's new song is super nice, can't get it out of my head...

说了再见

凉了雨下了你走了
清楚了我爱的遗失了
落叶飘在湖面上睡着了
想要放放不掉泪在飘
你看看你看看不到
我假装过去不重要
却发现自己办不到

说了再见才发现再也见不到
我不能就这样失去你的微笑
口红待在桌角而你我找不到
若角色对调你说好不好
能不能就这样忍着痛泪不掉
说好陪我到老永恒往哪里找

再次拥抱一分一秒都好
你的笑你的好脑海里一直在绕
我的手忘不了你手的温度
心碎了一地捡不回从前的心跳
身陷过去我无力逃跑

2010-05-15T10:51:00.003+08:00

yesterday marked the end of my 'career' as yixiang would put it.. haha jobless now eh? Fusion'10.. thanks to everyone esp the committee for all the efforts put in, to ensure that it was such a blast last night... linda, sieweng, eustance... the 3 of you... xin1 ku3 le.. i hope that ultimately Fusion'10, amidst all the unhappiness during rehearsals and planning, would be a memorable journey that you would look back and smile at fondly... the performers.. for being so passionate and everything... you guys were great.. really. i especially liked the 'truth or dare'.. haha found it vry real (: benjamin chow was superb too... with his super long rendition of songs.. pro. haha. thank you also to yixiang! last minute help... thank you for taking photos and just helping out (: and for accompanying me to lock the doors lol! thanks nic, weicheng, simin, muqiao, xunlin, vanessa... Stomp Year 6s.. as well as the other Stomp members! we ultimately did it! YAY. it might not have been perfect, but i honestly felt it was one of the best times, and i hope you guys enjoyed the performance, as much as i did (: oh and most of all, thanks to control room crew (esp weijie for cue-ing us lol) for all the hard work. poor zhikai literally froze with his fingers on the light switches for a moment.. HAHA. (bad romance is still stuck in my head LOL)fragmented thoughts... head over heart?

aiya to cut things short, that marks the end of MS journey, i guess? left with roping in Year 5 committee (: well it's up to you guys to continue the story, so jiayou! :D and now it's time to go back to mugging. BIG SIGHHHHHH. i want A levels to be over and done with, but i know i'm really not prepared. chem test was another disappointment, but this time i really really really did give my best. "so what happened?" "i really don't know..." oh wells. hopefully monday's math test will prove my efforts worthwhile (: jiayou to everyone! next week is another tough week: Chem SPA, Math test, CSC test (and econs test). GOODLUCK! (: nah... as much as i would like to believe in that, i can't..

oh and happy (belated) birthday dear (stupid) mayping. haha. i sms-ed you lor you dao-ed my sms. YOU SUCK! haha. well, i will owe you your present for as long (or maybe longer) as you owe me mine :D but anw, yup hope you had a great day and have a smashing 18th (: i'd very much prefer my heart to take control. and i wish, you'd just let me stand by you.. as much as i really wish you were the one by my side...

2010-05-11T22:23:00.002+08:00

haha thanks... you confirmed sth which i knew vry long ago but refused to face up to. how am i feeling now? disappointed? haha wht right do i have to be? used to failure till a point of tiredness and nonchalence? haha honestly, maybe... pushing it on 'magic' will seem somewhat irresponsible, but i've really lost it. it doesn't come as easily as it does anymore. what used to be sth i love is now a chore. i don't have the ability, and the confidence and conviction, or passion to continue with it. and do it well. wht used to be sth i somewhat did well in, something i could be proud of -- now, it's just another addition to my long list of failures. don't look up to me, don't say it's ok.. cos i know it's not. i don't deserve anything. and perhaps it's time to reconsider those decisions. back to ground zero. nothing left.

and i really don't want to do it, anymore.

2010-04-09T00:01:00.003+08:00

maybe this kind of ending is the best... ambiguity can drive ppl nuts, but it leaves room for hope.. (: although now i know that IT is not the case, maybe i can see it as a form of resolution.. pretence, has always been, and will always be, the best defence (:

i'm glad things turned out this way for you. take care.

2010-03-30T22:46:00.004+08:00

never ever though that i would agree so much with a physics law. for every action, there is indeed an equal and opposite reaction. happiness is no different. there is no free lunch in the world, happiness comes at a price. sometimes, the 'price' to pay comes back immediately, sometimes, it takes a while to see it's effect. but nevertheless, you have to trade something in return one day.

just yesterday, i felt a burden lifted off me, and today, my dad's hospitalised; today, i learnt that promises are meant to be broken, today, i learnt that effort does not translate into results. girl, maybe it really is a passing thing.

2010-03-28T18:52:00.003+08:00

why must, just when things appear to be getting better, something like that happen? so is everything going to go back to square one? how many times must we try? but then again, it forces me to realise certain things.. what i think i am feeling and what i actually feel, are two different things...

i do cherish the same hope as you, and i really don't want this to just negate the past few days just like that. i know it wasn't that easy for you to start talking to me, it really wasn't easy for me either.

Perfect -- Hedley

Falling a thousand feet per second
You still take me by surprise
I just know we can't be over
I can see it in your eyes

Making every kind of silence
Takes a lot to realize
It's worse to finish than to start all over
And never let it lie

And as long as I can feel you holding on
I won't fall
Even if you said I was wrong

I'm not perfect
But I keep trying
Cause that's what I said
I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely
So please don't leave
Was it something I said
Or just my personality

When you're caught in a lie
And you've got nothing to hide
When you've got nowhere to run
And you've got nothing inside
It tears right through me
You thought that you knew me
You thought that you knew

maybe, such an outcome is really inevitable... i don't know what to say anymore.

2010-03-26T00:26:00.002+08:00

i can't wait to go overseas, like seriously. i'll prove it to you. by then, make sure you keep your promise.

sometimes i just feel like giving up, it's all so tiring and futile, i don't even know wht it's all for anymore. the gifts and curses of life (:

2010-03-21T10:28:00.002+08:00

When you're gone -- Avril Lavigne

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart, I'm missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do, reminds me of you,
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah yeah
And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
i know the problem lies with me. and you're right. why make someone your top priority when you're only an option to them? i hate myself. but it doesn't change anything.
i want to have selective amnesia.

2010-03-12T22:59:00.002+08:00

quoting amanda: "faith is to believe in what you do not yet see, and the reward in this faith is to see what you believe."

with life comes death. with death comes life. and the cycle repeats. i will keep my promise to you. please be without regrets. rest in peace.

2010-03-08T01:11:00.002+08:00

what was it that changed? you? me? us? stop it, rachel. enough is enough. just bloody stop it.

i can't bring myself to do it. i'm sorry.

2010-03-04T21:49:00.002+08:00

Nice song (:

Inconsolable -- Backstreet Boys

I close the door
Like so many times, so many times before
Filmed like a scene on the cutting room floor
I wanna let you walk away tonight without a word

I try to sleep, yeah
But the clock is stuck on thoughts of you and me
A thousand more regrets unraveling
OOoh, if you were here right now,I swear I'd tell you this

Baby I don't wanna waste another day
Keepin it inside, it's killing me
Cause all I ever wanted comes right down to you (to you)
I wish that I could find the words to say
Baby I would tell you, every time you leave
I'm inconsolable

I climb the walls, yeah
I can see the edge,
But I can't take the fall, no
I've memorized the number
So why can't I make the call
Maybe cause I know you'll always be with me
In the possibility

No, no, no
I don't wanna be like this
I just wanna let you know
That everything I hold in
Is everything I can't let go (oooh, can't let go)

I really wanted to keep the 'liquid-ed' part. but i don't know how you'd react. and i can't afford to do any more things, to topple that balance. once again, overestimation. happy sweet 18th, and all the best.

2010-03-01T00:31:00.003+08:00

garh i'm tired -.- so what am i doing here o.0 can't get to sleep, again. gastric pain again. zzz.

another long week starting tmr. i want march hols! but what kind of hols is it with march camp and CO jixun :X nothing much good's been happening, just that i am actually starting to love my piano lessons! haha. made the decision to postpone my LR, and yup, i think relief is spelt out on my face -.- my teacher commented that i smiled more during the latest lesson than i ever did in the past 1 year combined HAHA. can tell he's more relaxed after i made my decision also larh, he suddenly became vry nice LOL. hopefully this continues. maybe i'll start loving practising piano -.- oh well. let's just hope first haha.

mum's gonna go for ptm. i'm screwed this time lol. esp for CSC and maths o.0 and maybe MEP. sigh. ohwell. goodluck to all for the mountains of tests (:

2010-02-24T01:28:00.003+08:00

just completed the super irritating CSC proj. wth larh, the topic is so damn difficult -.- and we are not even supposed to be doing this. oh whatever. jiayou jiayanz! (:

finished chem tutorial in school today! feel kinda accomplished haha. at least i guess i can concentrate much better in school than at home somehow... not that there aren't any distractions in school lol. but then.. better than at home i guess. heard that chem test is postponed.. ok larh to me doesn't make much of a difference, just that i get to 'relax' abit more only one week later lorh. haha. but then again.. next week, gp test and math test T.T can't afford to screw up any... sigh. term 1's coming to an end alr.. it's so fast.. haha i think by the time it finally sinks in that i will no longer see the people who i have been seeing around for 6 years (most of them anyway) starting from the start of next year (which will come damn soon i swear), it'll.. i don know wht kind of effect it'll have on me -.- empty, maybe?

but then again, life is meant for partings. yup. there is no such thing as forever. you must be super lucky if you get to experience it. haha. like wht. 1 in a million? trillion? gazillion? lol. you came into this world alone, and yup, you will leave, alone too, in the end.

2010-02-22T00:45:00.003+08:00

tried to do abit for the csc proj -.- but i realised i actually don't really know wht's the topic! like wht on earth are we supposed to do. cos i can't really find articles/ passages that link those two issues together sigh. csc test was kinda screwed anw, managed to crap things out which was phew and thank god it wasn't economics or the nong cun thing, but still, i hope i can scrape a C or sth.

most hectic weekend of this year so far.. with huayi fest performance and boot camp! bootcamp was... another memorable experience with tequila, to think this will be the 2nd last camp together, and the 4th last official event haha. ohwell. congrats to those who got in! for those who didn't, i hope you'll learnt something as well.. and yup, do continue to serve in your own capacity. all the best! (: and though i'm slightly disappointed, i wish you all the best.. and i'll support your decisions. i admire your courage, and no matter wht, i'll always be proud of you, and i'll always be behind you if you ever need me. smile, cos your bubbly and optimistic personality will get you far in life. jiayou!
chuida performance for huayi festival finally over and today's two dizi pieces were nothing but screwed o.0 to us, at least. at least jiangjunling and longteng managed to get the mood high in the end! and yup it was one of the best long tengs i played, and it's the 2nd last one (: maybe the tears will come with the last one. idk. the longest song i ever learnt and played. haha. all the memories from sec 1, when we hun4 like nobody's business, and when you are a senior, there's just this obligation to hun4 less -.- HAHA. but with juniors like jiayu and yihui and beverly.. (: haha which maybe was why at one period of time today only jiayu was playing! though it's more of us trying to catch up / slow down for each other o.0 whatever, wht's over it's over. really hope that long teng was enough to negate and make up for the horrid dizi performances... no use harping on it though anw, so just fingers crossed (:

if only i could treat it in this same manner... and in case you were wondering...you still are, everything to me.

2010-02-18T19:14:00.002+08:00

you might say some things and then regret them later, but that's life.

some say the world is very small, yup it is, when you chance upon friends long lost touch with and when you meet people after like wht, 10, 20 years. or just like peirong and i, being sec sch friends after 2 years in kindergarten and no contact since pri sch.

but, the world can be deceivingly big, when you don't ever get to meet people you miss so dearly, when you don't have the 'fate' to see people whom you are dying to, but due to various cirucmstances, can't 'afford' to meet up with.

the ironies of the world. so much for balance in gp, huh. (:

2010-02-15T00:15:00.002+08:00

my mum 'quarrelled' with my dad today cos he forgot to buy her vday present! LOL! so while i went to the toilet with my mum he hurried to buy my mum's present + my bday card o.0 HAHA. my mum remembered that my dad forgot to get her present when she saw the girlfriends holding bouquets of flowers HAHA. and she asked if i wanted her to get me one -.- and back to the usual talk about why i'm not blah blah blah and why i never blah blah blah never knew she was so supportive and open about such things -.- oh well, too little too late HAHA.

was nice seeing couples around actually, yup spread the love... haha. first time at a shopping mall during new year (maternal granddad's hospitalised, one less place to visit; pls get well soon..) and yup the swensen's ppl wanted to sing bday song for me... but srsly.. no thanks HAHA. somehow didn't have much birthday luck, lost quite a bit at my aunt's house. but recouped my losses back home :D YAY. i'm not supposed to be using the com during cny but oh well. it's beckoning me :D and my bro 'chided' me for not using the banana cushion -.- he gave me, so i opened it and hugged it to make him happy HAHA. ok larh, quite comfortable but my mum said my bro was cheapskate cos he bought the smallest one :D LOL. ohwell. nevermind. and my bro was like why nvr give the keychain to ... hello ray tang, if you ever see this, don't have larh, give wht give haha. so stop talking rubbish in front of everyone, srsly. my bro's actly quite poor thing larh, he has been targeted by my mum recently whether he has a ********** or not HAHA and i'm adding fuel to the fire :D who ask him to keep 'framing' me LOL. whatever, that's where the fun of having a sibling goes eh? thanks for all the well wishes today, and esp from those who i haven't met you in super long, thanks so so so much yup (: you guys really touched me haha. takecare!
i guess there's really nothing left to be said.. maybe i think too much, but like wht they say, you care only cos that person matters.

2010-02-13T15:19:00.002+08:00

for a while, i saw hope. and with the hope came that bit of expectations. but in the end, it's just disappointment once more. what's there to be upset about? you never promised me anything, you never said anything. pr's right. it was just me who was too naive. it's my fault for being unable to let go. it's not that i never tried. i make retarded 'bets' with people. but then again, jeenise's right. i make those bets thinking that i would win them. which means i alr have in mind wht i want the outcome to be. what for make those 'bets' and be upset over them in the end? and those birthday wishes... are also made knowing that they're not going to happen. going to be 18... but i realised i'm far from mature.

chinese new year eve... sorry for those negative thoughts HAHA. i really had to get it out of my system somehow...

on a happier note, thank you to everyone for the gifts and well-wishes... esp...

6C23 for the super sweet 18 balloons, birthday song, card and cake, although i had a really really hard time transporting the balloons from one place to another! the cake as well... it's still intact in my fridge. HAHA.
EXCO 0708 for the birthday song + cake, it's always a nice feeling to meet up with you all, though sometimes attendance may not be complete, and we may only have a few short minutes together, but thanks, really.
Daniel, Dilys, Jeenise, JieTing, Liqin, Yilin. Thank you for rushing down to the 'other side of the world' -- (Jurong East LOL), and also taking the time to design the jacket. It's the first time I'm receiving a personalised jacket, and seriously, i was very touched haha. Thanks for the pumps too! Thank you so so much for everything, on top of being awesome friends.
Xiangyu -- my dearest 11-yr (old LOL) friend for the water bottle plus card... reading your card brought back many memories... haha. and yup, i can feel the sincerity.. HAHA. so.. thanks so much!
Yuan Jun for that lovely cup set! Jie, although we don't really talk much now, thank you for never forgetting me and for letting me know i can count on you.
Peirong for the bracelet and the tigget post-its, yup i like them larh don't worry :D thanks darling. i've said whatever i wanted to in your birthday letter (:
Wei Xun for the bracelet. Thanks for being a great gor... a much better mei than i am to you lol.
Chaoyuan for the tigger keychain (I LOVE TIGGER!!!) thanks mortal (:
Amanda for the lovely gift pack, no larh i never thought my angel was horrid. cos everyone's vry busy.. HAHA. thanks so much anyway, exclusive coupon ftw (:
Dilys ong, stupid CO angel, for the retarded shampoo + conditioner set. HAHA CHEAPO! i buy you soap ok :D
Lua Jia Min (mortal!!!) for the lovely scheduler and the keychain (:
and you, for giving me hope though you might not know it. pls don't take that away from me.. it's something i can't do without.

among others, Jeenise, Liqin, Shiying, Cindy, Chaoyuan, Linda, Nicholas, Beverly, Zhenzhen, Joylynn, Rachel Chua, Wen Xin, Pamela, Guiju, Weijie, Sophia, Jiayanz for the Vday gifts :D

Thank you everyone, for the birthday cum vday wishes, really appreciate them <3

I'm tired lol. have to go for reunion dinner later, had piano this morning and i was out shopping for new year stuff with my parents till 2 am ytd -.- HAHA. ok then, takecare everyone! HAPPY VDAY / CNY / TOTAL DEFENCE DAY LOL in advance (:

2010-02-07T20:40:00.003+08:00

it's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.

i hope not, but it's a very strong intuition. and they're usually right. so what exactly does it mean? never ever, anymore?

and i continue hoping, with the thought at the back of my mind that if only i wished hard enough, we would someday be back at where we were.

2010-01-30T21:15:00.003+08:00

you can erase someone from your mind. getting them out of your heart is another matter.

All I want right now is to stone and do nothing and wake up from this nightmare. It's a nightmare i cannot handle, something i cannot win. I thought I was finally getting better, and i thought that if i could just keep emphasising to myself, it'd sink in and i'd accept it. but I'm too weak and hopeless, and nothing i do can turn the situation i've landed myself in, around. I can't turn back time, not anymore.

Can't let go -- Mariah Carey

There you are holding her hand
I am lost
Dying to understand
Didn't I cherish you right?
Don't you know you were my life?

Even though I try
I can't let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night
I see you in my dreams
You're all I know
I can't let go

Just cast aside
You don't even know I'm alive
You just walk on by
Don't care to see me cry
And here I am
Still holding onI can't accept
My world is gone
No, no

Do you even realize the sorrow I have inside
Everyday of my life?
Do you know the way it feels
When all you have just dies?
I try and try to deny that I need you
But still you remain on my mind
Oh no I just can't get you out of my mind
I never can say goodbye

why don't you know? why don't you feel the way i do? why is it like that? why.....

2010-01-28T00:00:00.003+08:00

the world doesn't stop revolving just because of you one person. it's high time you snap out of this, rachel tang. and it's been proven further -- unwanted, unneeded, unnoticed, invisible, uncared for, unimportant, insignicant. anw, cold warring with my grandfather, over a reason which i myself don't know. grrr. aiya whatever. no difference.my biggest birthday wish: for me to be able to say all these don't matter.

2010-01-21T20:07:00.002+08:00

kupped this from jyz's blog. haha. ohwells. GP timed assignment tmr argh. and tmr's full of only CSC, GP and MEP. subjects which require ALOT of writing and long attention spans. (ok larh not that math and chem don't but at least they are more 'logical' and have correct answer sigh) ohwells. i haven't been reading the papers although i always say i will do so the next day. stupid rachel tang how to improve your GP / CSC like that HUHHHHH. practised piano for 2 hours today before+during+after prac lesson with mrs ang, what can i say? can't believe abt 2 months have passed since my last piano lesson with mr ku, and this is what 2 months of inconsistent practising has done to me. if i hadn't tried today, wouldn't know that it's that bad now.. oh whatever. flopped the first test of the year anw, won't be surprised to see a single digit reflected. argh failure failure failure. darn.

it's not that i want to... but, i alr have, when i know i can't afford to, and shouldn't. whyyyyy...

2010-01-20T22:59:00.003+08:00

when i see you like that, i just want to go forward and help you, and fulfil the things i said i would... but i don't know if you want me to..cheer up, ok?

in righting the wrong, no more wrong should be done. am i going down the wrong path?

2010-01-06T11:35:00.003+08:00

why can't i do it? why why why why why. maybe this state isn't that bad. drifting away won't worry as much people, not like there were that many who cared anw haha. just 359 more days to the end of the year. can't wait. this time, i am going to do nothing to save it. i'm not worth it haha. if things are not meant to come, they won't happen no matter what. no matter how long you wait, how much you do, nothing will change. why can't you freaking understand that rachel tang? how you're feeling now is totally brought upon by yourself. this is what you deserve. and only you yourself can get yourself out of this freaking mess. don't you get it? how hopeless can you get. time will heal all wounds. really? it just gets worse, not better. why rachel why. why can't you just freaking do what you know is right. it's not like you are in denial. you know it! you can rationalise it! BUT WHY CAN'T YOU FREAKING CONVINCE YOURSELF TO THINK THAT WAY. YOU SUCK YOU KNOW. ARGH.

and there's just one more burning question, which i really want an answer too. do you, still?

2009-12-31T23:37:00.004+08:00

in another 20 mins or so, it'll be the start of a new year, marking the busiest year to come, wht with A levels, Dip, and the numerous tuition gifts from my mum haha. ohwell one year... i guess i can survive, right?

not exactly in a very reflective mood or wht, but nevertheless, i want to thank everyone who has been there for me throughout the year... 2009 has been a very very eventful year, and for all its sadness, it will be a year i will always remember. there've been many many ups and downs, and yup this is the year with the most times when i thought i would never get through stuff, but ultimately, i'm still here lol. maybe sad for some ppl, but ya, i am still surviving haha. maybe bigger eye bags, darker eye rings etc.. but yea. ok let's start showing some gratitude...

firstly, thank you JEENISE LIQIN YILIN for always being there. you girls are really an amazing bunch of friends who i feel comfortable doing like anything with, thank you so so so so so much for everything, from emo-ing to shopping to spree-ing to movie-ing to gossiping to slacking to balling to... looking forward to one more year of memory-building, before we go our separate ways.. HAHA. ok shan't emo here now, shall wait till next year (:

next, thank you PEIRONG, my vry vry vry wonderful neighbour-across-the-street cum classmate cum 'counsellor'. i'm sorry you've had to be put through so many of my 'moods' this year, and having to see the super weak side of me.. haha. thank you for being there, really, if not many a times i really wouldn't have known what to do. you know, i have always admired your ability to be logical and reason things out, and yea, though i always debate with you, i do know it when you make sense, and yup i can be rational one lah HAHA. thanks for all the attempt-to-mug dates, random shopping dates, for coming down to chat just after a call and stuff.. thank you for everything. you're a friend i miraculously meet after like kindergarten, and your friendship, is one i will always treasure (:

JIAYANZ, JOYLYNN, SAMUEL! my superb PW group members! thank you for making PW journey so much more fun and fulfilling for me, and thank you for all the randomness, crappiness like wht sushi-roll thing (LOL) etc, and for all the chats and insightful talks... i'm really glad that PW gave me a chance to work with you guys, and really, the PW journey will always be a fond memory i'll always carry with me :D

XINGQI, YIXIANG! one's my ahgong, one's my bro. hmm... thank you for being there for me... for the former, i'm really really really happy for you that you've found *ahem* haha... nothing much to say... not really in the mood i guess, haha! just that... well, thanks for everything ahgong, for all the encouragement and everything, i guess i am really honoured to be your sunnv. haha. here's wishing you and *ahem* all the best in the coming year. you'll have my bestest wishes (: as for my beloved bro whom i've known for like what, 5 years, thanks for everything too. haha. all the best in the coming year ok, jie'll always hold you in my prayers (:

SOPHIA, OLIVIA! haha the two of you also always hear me emo... here, i'd like to thank you all and also apologise.. hah. i'll try to not let my heart take control so much ok, and think more with my head HAHA. thanks sophia... esp that period, when i totally broke down at esplanade (LOL i'll never forget -.-) and everything else, and when i was being really retarded and stupid, thanks for being there. hah. thank god for council, if not i'd srsly really not have met such a great friend like you. haha. thank you (: oli, thank you for those deep, insightful chats which made me see so many things from another perspective.

AMANDA, SIEW ENG, LINDA! haha thank you for lending a listening ear when i needed, all 3 of you have very UNIQUE methods of getting me to 'open up' eh.. haha. thank you for the chats (amanda), lectures (SE LOL) and spontaneous-chats-over-dinners + walking me home etc lol (linda). thank you girls so so much (: looking forward to another great year together haha.

NICHOLAS, PRIS LEE, DANIEL, BEN SIM! lol thank you nic and pris for the encouragement and idk, wise words (LOL) and nic although you always suan me, i shall be nice and only mention the nice things you did HAHA. so yup. thank you for cheering me up with videos and comments which i cannot help but laugh at LOL and nic, don so flirt this year alr ok! wht stacey then don know who.. so many can! haha. be more zhuan1 yi1 larh (: pris... be happy ok.. haha. just follow your heart, you won't be wrong (: daniel and bensim, thanks for the K session.. haha. one of the more memorable things i did this year lol. so... all the best to you all in the coming year too... thanks for everything (:

MAYPING, YILING! haha you 2... usually MIA but when i needed you, you all were always there... thank you so so much, for listening to me rant, for making me laugh, for the long phone calls, for the handing-in-work-late-together oops, for the times during bsp trips, for the time you dragged me to orchard and vivo ahemahem to get your lit books.. haha! thank you girls, the two of you really really brightened up my life (:

ESTHER (NG), HILDA, XINYUN! haha! first one always makes me happy cos she's shorter than me HEHE :D (shit i think same height >< ) well... daxiaojie (she calls herself that hah), thanks for that day at ecp... although after that my legs hurt like crap (plus SHIC somemore!) it was really worth it haha. we should do that again sometime soon too, just that for now we'd better do sth about hw.. ): thank you for the times during the bsp trip too, and sry you had to see me break down as well... xiexie ni (: second one, my dear roommate... hah. hilda arh.. in the new year... i shall buy you a idk. cheetah? rabbit? HAHA. so that you can be FASTER heh! k lar kidding k. thanks for listening to me, thanks for the heart-to-heart talks, thanks for those late nights chionging lunwen tgt (i will nvr forget it lol), thanks for the having-to-bear-with-freezing-cold-water-tgt when the shower in china was faulty lol, thanks for the shopping trips... may you be happier in the new year ok (: xinyun! haha bsp let me know you that bit better! (: thank you for the memories during the bsp trip(s)... i'll never forget how hard it is to wake you up HEH, how 'good' your memory is at wht happens when you are aslp (lol recollect hilda hitting you and mayping blah blah.. HAHA), how we braved the cold winds tgt in china, how we gossiped and laughed and chatted and shua-shua-guoed and broke curfews heh and complained about lunwen and ranted about ahemahem... haha. thank you for everything (:

GEKTENG, PRIS TAN! Haha first one, thanks for being a great endorsement model (heh though i don't think you were willing HAHA) and a great friend larh haha. first got to know you better through orientation, and yup, thanks for everything, from taking care of me when my ankle was injured, to complaining about blah blah, to going to ao sai to dig for books together, to the various consultations tgt, to doing make-up chem experiments with me HEH... thank you for everything auntie! (: i'll always rmbr that your jacket is vry nice to hit haha! lovelove :D (you still owe me a treat for that fantastic 'show' put up about you being mayping's angel HAHA) Priscilla, thank you for the climb up changcheng tgt, thank you for random dinners and chats and complaints etc... you're really super funny heh! looking forward to another great year. be happy ok! (: love you haha!

GUIJU, LJM! haha thank you 2 for being retardedly funny friends HEH. although both of you are like consistenly suanning me, thanks for making my bsp trip(s) filled with laughter (sometimes with you sometimes at you HAHA) (: esp ljm, i'm glad i was your angel HEHE thanks for the memories interviewing tgt with those profs and everything haha. have a great year ahead k (:

WX, SEAN, JX, TERENCE! haha 4 of you i knew better under vry different circumstances lol.. but nevertheless, thank you for all the encouragement and everything. i know each of you have your own troubles as well, so i really hope that everything will go well for you all too. smile ok! and believe in miracles (: haha. and become delusional like me.. LOL jk! but yup, may 2010 be much better and happier for you all, rgdless of your pursuits, may everything you wish for come true (:

EXCO 0708! although we seldom meet up and stuff now, i do cherish every moment i have with you all. honest. you guys are a group of very special friends, and thank you for every memory you'll have left me. all the best for 2010 k... let's hope As will not deter us from having meet ups... haha.

and last but not least, you (: i've said whatever i want to, and yup, i just want you to know that i mean everything i said, and you will always always always be a part of my happy memories. thank you for everything, and i really believe that as long as we believe we can, things will be fine in the end. i wish the same thing for you too, although i really hope that i can be the one to help you through this, but ultimately, as long as you are happy, i guess there's really nothing more i can wish for. thank you for everything, thank you for making this year so memorable and fulfilling, we'll take 2010 as it comes yup. let nature take its course (: if i could have 1 wish for 2010, this'd be my biggest one for a happy ending, hah...

haha so that's for hoping to start 2010 on a positive note. oh it's alr 12.30 alr lol! woah this took like wht, 50 mins o.0 and i'm still waiting for.. haha. anw so yup. let's hope next year when i do something like this, there will be many many more happy memories (: happy new year!

2009-12-30T08:53:00.003+08:00

Meeting jyz later, after so long haha. Hopefully can have some catch-up time/ shopping time after the meeting heh (: retail therapy... but i've been spending and not getting reimbursements from my mum (for new year clothes!) so maybe i should curb myself HAHA. peirong you see this? yup we so need to just walk around window-shopping and gasping at the amazingly-insane prices. i miss you! hurry come back haha.

CO SHIC was pretty much great, kudos to the committee for making it possible :D GROUP 6 ROCKS OK! Ah Long Pte Ltd HEH. oh ya and thanks to huijing's group for the shampoo, although neck abit pain after that, actually it's quite comfortable HEH. liuyihui, YOU'VE GOT TO LEARN TO BE MORE GENTLE TYVM haha! stayover at jeenise's after Day 1, finally the first one with all 4 of us present. Learnt how to play Monopoly Deal from the girl who keeps reminding others of her birthday :P, bridged and taiteed but sad, we all had to do work-related stuff prior to playing so didn't really play for long. short chats and updates, thanks to the 3 of you for being a part of my life. seriously. i love you guys loads k. thanks for everything, especially during this time... haha. but sometimes talking to the 3 of you not fun one can, cos you all alr know ultimately how i will react! tsktsk just let me stay in delusion awhile longer... >< recce was -.- sighhhh in the end couldn't work out, no choice, guess just have to stick to the original plan. 3 days before OGL dry run, hope everything goes fine. sigh. and i STILL haven't started on my homework. Time is ticking away, rachel, you are so dead o.0

the dreams have returned. God, if it's not going to happen, please please please stop giving me such fantasy-like dreams. Cos it really really kills me when i wake up and find that it's nowhere near reality. And, it doesn't help me forget you in any way, you just kill me more everytime you do it.

2009-12-27T21:14:00.002+08:00

why do you always do things thinking they are in my best interest, but yet you never ask for my opinion? have you ever considered how i feel? you have your expectations, i have my limits. i never asked you to lower your expectations for me, i just want you to realise that i do get tired, i do get upset, and i do have things i really want to do. and they happen to just not fall under your category of 'beneficial things'. sorry i'm not like him, i'm not like her, i'm not like that student of yours, i'm not the perfect straight-A person you want me to be. you can have your dreams for me, but could you not refute my own aspirations and tell me to be realistic everytime you ask me what i want to do in future? i know i have nothing for you to be proud of, and i'm really sorry, but i just don't, and can't fit into your mould of an ideal student. what i want for christmas... is for new year not to come.

all i ask is for us to try to rebuild it together and to return to the past, is it too much to ask for? maybe, it is.

2009-12-24T12:22:00.002+08:00

there's no right or wrong answer... and there's no telling what each decision would lead us into... taking the first step... hope everything goes well. as i was packing today, came across alot of things... documents, scripts, photos, the stuff you gong way back... and i don't want to just let it all go.. what about you?

2009-12-22T00:13:00.002+08:00

escalators/ lifts / aircons (when wearing jackets) are the best inventions in the world, while heels are the worst. for now, at least, after my feet are aching crap after Yr 4 YEP. clarke quay is beautiful, especially at night. i always wanted to go there with you, but i guess there's no more chance? (: the Year 4s were all dressed up and pretty, with a wide variety of costumes. jeenise be proud of me k, i did wear your dress >< haha. after like wht. 1 year? sigh. i wish i could break the traditional stereotype of girl=wear dress+heels at prom next year by turning up in some idk shirt and jeans or sth but then again, it's just a thought. HAHA. my cousin was at my house when i was preparing to go for YEP duty. and she was chiding me for actly considering changing out of the dress and wearing jeans+shirt. and she's younger than me -.- and my maid didn't let me leave the house in flats. sigh.

was late for duty, sry! tried to make myself useful so walked around doing reception/photobooth and randomly talking to some Year 4s. feel so old haha. after that took a few random walks around the area... it's really nice walking alone and looking at the river.. looking into the sky you suddenly feel so small... and watching everybody pass you by, it's like you are so insignificant. just any other person God created. so small, that your absence will not be missed.. oli came to find me and we sat at the steps, just staring into space.. till this guy came to ask us to do a survey. in CHINESE. lol. and i gave nonsensical answers. i hope the company doesn't call up or sth o.0 cos of my rubbish answers haha. i shouldn't have given my real number o.0 retarded lol. we did a mini science experiment (kang's brilliant idea of seeing the impact of helium balloons) ON MY HAIR and OLI'S SPECS by tying helium balloons to them and see whether my hair and oli's specs will 'fly up'! haha. ohwells. amusing. before we left after duties, we went by the river, each holding a balloon, and we let them go after making wishes... i really really really hope what i'd wish for will come true. for now at least, that's the only thing i can do for you... seeing the balloons fly higher and higher and finally disappear into the dark... it makes me think of you... if i'd the courage and will to let go, maybe you will be like the balloons, soaring higher and higher, finally out of sight, treading your own path, and hopefully, being happy wherever you are...

and now i'm wasting my life away in front of the computer, waiting for something which almost certainly will not happen. ohwells. goodnight.

2009-12-20T22:50:00.002+08:00

went cycling with jeenise today! <3 kind of a last minute decision ytd night but nvrtheless, it was super fun and rewarding albeit the tiredness from the trip. we cycled super far today! (in our opinion at least) from her house at katong park there all the way to changi airport runway (somewhere there lar) where we watched planes take off and land (: haha the park connectors between ECP and CBP (changi beach park) are super 'rural' and peaceful.. nice place (: but had accidents though... firstly i don know wht on earth i was doing/thinking and i fell -.- wow rachel haha. so i got souvenirs from this trip: cut elbow and arm and knee :D cool eh. secondly sth happened to the bike! the chain came out or sth, so both of us got our hands really dirty trying to repair it, but in the end it was this really nice uncle who helped us (: and jeenise actually dropped her smiley keychain, but a super nice biker caught up with us to return it to her! so we saw nice singaporeans today, haha. what a 'warm welcome' back from the smoking, spitting c**** ppl LOL. thanks darling for today, i really had fun with all the in-between chats and the 'filling up on each other's lives' as you'd call it, and i hope you did too (: we started off at 245pm and reached back at 745 pm..(and jeenise, i do feel now that i don ever wna cycle again, HAHA) thanks to her parents for the ride home, or else i think i'd have gotten slaughtered LOL.

my uncle came... and he came with a "Brain teaser" all because i stupidly told him i am interested in law and i don mind chem. so he came with a 'court case' and concluded that my bro's a better lawyer than i am. sigh. ohwells. and i think i pissed my piano teacher off, by saying that i have camps and meetings starting today. though true, i think he was like -.- how on earth am i going to pass my dip like that? yknow wht mr ku, i don't know either. haha.

next few days packed with dry runs, yr 4 yep and everything, i srsly wonder how i'm going to finish my hw. lol. ohwells. i promise i will do an update about the trip and post up the pictures someday soon! :D when i can find the time... sigh. i really really really really really miss the trip. honest. though coming home is.. let's just say a ttly diff feeling, and the warmth i felt only during the touchdown when they said welcome to singapore and i look at the night scene outside ( i really love touching down at night lol) is not enough to negate everything else. ohwells.

i don't know how long more i can put up with all these. i really feel like retreating into a corner now... somewhere no one else can find. i'm amidst friends, i'm among people, but...

2009-12-12T23:39:00.003+08:00

i swear lunwen's killing us. i swear. and i hate it to the max. period. what a bad way to end the whole immersion programme with the writing of lunwen. and now we don't really have time to explore shanghai. sighhhhh. and what am i still doing, blogging here? i don't know haha. just felt a bit tired of collating the interview results (omg mayping we both have around 10! :O) and ya i would feel wasted if i didn't make full use of the programme i downloaded which allowed me to access the otherwise inaccessible webpages like blogger so ya (: one more week to go, trust me, i know i'm weird but i really don wanna go back. yup albeit tired of lunwen and missing friends+family, there are many other reasons for me to not want to go back. ohwells. and the holiday's almost over, i haven't touched my schoolwork. at all. serious. rachel tang, you are so dead. sighhhhh. i wonder wht they'll do to us if we can't finish lunwen. i don't mind them grounding me here in shanghai until i finish actually (: ... ya right obviously not. tsk. aiya i should get back to doing lunwen. everything's been fine on the trip i suppose when i get back i shall do a post about it (since it's the last trip hah) and I PROMISE i'll upload all the photos i owe ok (: jiayou everyone! <3

p.s. thank you angel.
p.p.s. mortal, don't be surprised next thursday when my identity is revealed.

quoting yuehuan's blog: "Cinderella walked on broken glass. Sleeping Beauty let a whole lifetime pass. Belle fell in love with a hideous beast. Pocahontas risked her life for a feast.Jasmine married a common thief. Mulan was given disbelief. Ariel walked on land for love and life. Snow White barely escaped a knife. It was all about blood, sweat, and tears, because love means facing your biggest fears." haha sweet.

one month away didn't change my feelings for you. not in the least bit. in fact, it intensified. anyway, it is heartwarming and reassuring to see how sweet you two are. it's time to go (:

2009-11-18T22:12:00.003+08:00

you all don't even f-ing understand me. so stop acting like you know everything. last minute tell me want to go celeb his birthday. and you say you told me very long ago. why is he the only one impt to you all anw. and it becomes my fault cos i bloody selfishly just think about myself and my school events. fine. i'm selfish ok. i'm unreasonable, i'm disappointing.

2009-11-18T21:29:00.003+08:00

Game over.

That's it. It's really just that. Whether you choose the replay button or choose to close the browser and try another game, that's another matter. the fact remains. game over. in this round at least, i've lost.

2009-11-07T20:49:00.004+08:00

what is life? people say life is a gift. oh really?

true, we should be thankful for what we have and leave a life of gratitude and fortitude, but at many times we look at the transcience of it all --

the imperfections, the pain, the obstacles, the challenges, the disappointments, the expectations, the worries, the fear, the unknown, the future, the hurt, the sorrow, the sadness, the dark, the lonely, the empty, the masked, the hidden, the unspoken, the abandoned, the gone, the unachievable, the disowned, the unwanted, the cruelty, the practicality, the impossible, the missed, the lost, the fallen, the conjured, the afraid, the inability, the victimised, the sacrificed, the worthless, the misinterpreted, the forgone, the flawed...

and we think to ourselves, maybe it's time to trade that long-term pain, for the mere seconds of pain which will lead to relief...i finally understood what those people thought, and actually, it may really open the door to forgiveness and release...

i can't do this anymore. i'm sorry, i love you.

2009-11-05T11:36:00.000+08:00

i'm supposed to be practising my piano/ packing my room/ doing lunwen proposal/ H3 proposal/ memorising op script now... >< (ya right stupid rachel tang if you were unemotional or if you COULD be then you would not be like that now. sucker.)

meeting peirong later to dont know do what LOL. love having someone stay near me.. :D miss cheah, you better love it too! haha. both wanted to go shopping but both too lazy LOL. she lost her library card, i don want to watch gossip girl, she wants to eat some pasta thing, i want to eat chicken rice o.0 aiya the point is, we still don know wht to do after lunch >< (ya... better than thinking of you 24/7..)

mr sng's farewell ceremony tmr... sigh... we'll all certainly miss him so so much... hope the fond memories dunman high has left him will be with him for a lifetime.. (: thank you for everything, for being such a great and encouraging principal, and for being the one, dunmanians respect. though i really don't want you to go, it's for the betterment of your future.. so... all the best! (:

i don't even get why i am so scared... the fear is inhibiting everything i want to do about it. i'm just afraid, i guess... of you finding me irritating, of you not wanting to talk to me, of you being upset, of you being stressed, of me being a burden to you, of you.... of you not liking me. RARH. the sea ahead is engulfed by haze... but i'm too far from the shore... what to do? just jump in and drown.. (:

2009-11-03T22:18:00.006+08:00

OMG MY RIGHT ARM HURTS LIKE MAD I TOOK FORTY-FIVE MINUTES TO BATHE WITHOUT DAYDREAMING/STONING OMGGGGG. haha. who said jabs aren't painful!!! THEY HURT LIKE CRAP GOSHHHHHH. and jyz, SORRY LARH ya i feel retarded for jabbing it on my right hand too cos i am really half-handicapped omg someone help me!!!!! :X

these two days have been pretty eventful. stayed over for pw till ytd, and as usual my grp went crazy HAHA. but i guess this time was the ultimate... from 'arguing' to 'cold-warring' to 'sushi-ing' to sandwiching each other between matresses... plus watching of secret/real madrid match/ xing guang da dao.. no wonder our productivity was o.0 ok larh but it was really fun haha! esp the pillow fights and watching samuel+joylynn play tennis wii. love my pw grp!!! (: managed to somewhat finish the video though, so at least sth accomplished. and surprisingly (and sadly), i was the first one to conk out. sigh. so i kept taking short naps (coffee didn't work larh!) but in the end the whole grp fell aslp about 4 plus... after some chitchatting about the diff mentalities of guys and girls -.- how insightful...

went teoheng with nicholas, pris lee, daniel and bensim+jingjie who joined us like super late.. haha. quite fun..but stupid nicholas had to suan me as usual -.- sighh. duets were fun too.. (: and ting1 hai3 with pris was cool cos we tried shouting HAHA. in the end we really hecked about yin zhun and just shouted practically all the songs o.0 thank god for ben sim's strepsil, which saved my voice + throat haha. oh and, finally gave pris her super belated bday present, hope she liked it though lol. ms mtg after.. (was late lol sorry!) then headed home... all thanks to miss gan who got my facial muscles working -.- linda came back... and we just chitchatted... thanks girls, for everything, regardless of whether they were consolations or lectures. haha. i will think through...

TODAY! jab with jyz which was a horrid experience. thankfully the afternoon made up for it! pw was alright, and stoned in school while waiting to meet jeen and liqin to meet yilin at marina square! (city hall again..) yilin super funny, she didn't know 3 of us were tgt so she was like selectively replying our sms-es and she was pretty shocked all 3 of us sms-ed her o.0 and she was the latest! :D and we thought she got lost lol... wanted to catch a movie but no nice show. hurried to breeks cafe for dinner just in time for the student's meal! :D HAHA. worth it lorh... food wasn't bad, but super filling lol. then just walked around... tricking each other.. suanning each other.. laughing at each other... 'camwhoring'... chitchatting... i love them.. loads. thank you for everything girls, you all never fail to make my day <3

pw trial with miss aw again tmr.. hope everything goes well (: hopefully can catch sister's keeper with jyz (+others) tmr haha. ok, i shall go back to memorising my script and watching yummy yummy :D (and maybe doing lunwen proposal sigh..)

Speechless- The Veronicas
Feels like I have always known you
And I swear I dreamt about you
All those endless nights I was alone

It's like I've spent forever searching
Now I know that it was worth it
With you it feels like I am finally home

Falling head over heels
Thought I knew how it feels
But with you it's like the first day of my life

I thought I could resist you
I thought that I was strong
Somehow you were different from what I've known
I didn't see you coming
You took me by surprise and
You stole my heart before I could say no

Cuz you leave me speechless (the way you smile, the way you touch my face)
When you talk to me
You leave me breathless (it's something that you do I can't explain)
The way you look at me
You manage to disarm me
My soul is shining through
Can't help but surrender
My everything to you

whatever i do... at the back of my mind.. there's always you... i feel so ironic... and i have no choice.. fear consumes me.. i try to be strong so that ppl won't worry.. and i try to deceive myself by thinking that if i act fine i will be.. but it doesn't work this way. they're right in that they can't help me... i have to deal with it myself.. but i don want to.. and i don know.. how to not like you.

happiness/ fear is a state of mind...

2009-10-31T20:23:00.008+08:00

last-minute decision to watch movie today, thank you liqin for going with me <3 hmmmm love happens... not bad, quite meaningful and inspiring actually, and there were like so many couples all around haha.. sweet. thought i'd get a good cry out of it but surprisingly, i only teared... and people around us were like sobbing pretty hard? hmmmm what's wrong with me lol. some parts of the show make alot of sense... and yea, happy ending.. that's the most impt part haha. as much as happy endings may not happen in reality, they always look good in shows (: so once again thanks darling for accompanying me!

ankle still hurts pretty much, but not as pain alr... throat's been recovering (HAH SEE THAT OLI!) though i haven't been really abstaining from food lol but whtever. staying over for pw again tmr, yay love my pw grp. let's see if we can break our record and not sleep LOL. no piano till next sat... temporary happiness (: it's going to be a busy week ahead, pls give me the strength to go through with it.... esp with the flu jab and *gasps* lunwen. speaking of which, i haven't edited my lunwen proposal and i am suddenly so not looking forward to going china with the itenary filled with lectures every weekday morning and lunwen consultation and chionging practically filling up all the nights. add on holiday hw from other subjects, H3, programme notes, and the probable scoldings i will get for not practising piano for a month, and the chionging for orientation and stuff, and pretty much it will equate to a hectic, screwed holiday :x sigh...

when a door towards happiness closes on you, another opens. but too much of the time, we focus only on the closed door so much that we miss the open one... walking around city hall brings back so much memories... missing you, as usual.

2009-10-30T21:21:00.003+08:00

went school today for lunwen consultation... slacked around aimlessly with miss khoo (: ... miss khoo went for wushu and i went to canteen.. supposed to find joy but met yx and kiansiong.. [stupid yx :x] linda came over... and we ended up chatting.. HAHA! sorry girl.. and thank you (: went to joy's house.... we... erm... HAHA were supposed to hurry to meet jyz and sam BUT well... we ended up being 20 mins late :x sam and jyz missed 2 31(s) cos of tt, sorry! continued filming at toa payoh.. everything went pretty well? wanted to return to the stadium to catch the sunset but it ended up raining :x and now i'm drenched, kind of at least, and i don't know wht i am still doing in front of the computer... HAHA.

i've made up my mind... i don't mind waiting for you... whether or not others support me, i'll still feel that it's worth it. some tell me to keep the faith and trust in you... i will. and i hope we'll be worth a second shot somewhere in the near future, when the time is right (:

2009-10-29T00:24:00.002+08:00

2nd op trials tmr, going-to-come sore throat + hurting ankle. well done rachel. followed by another disappointing piano session. sigh. life sucks.

do you know.. how much i miss you...?

2009-10-27T19:23:00.003+08:00

filming today around singapore... lol sorry i shouldn't have done it portrait... sorry sorry... it's been a long day.. rest well yup (: been having piano lessons twice a week to make up for the lessons missed during bsp trip, sigh.... it's really not that i don't practise... but i know you don't believe me, so i really shan't try to defend myself anymore. why is it always like that... why don't you all ever listen to what i say... why... whyyyyyyyyy......................

突然好想你

最怕空气突然安静
最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆突然翻滚绞痛着不平息
最怕突然听到你的消息

想念如果会有声音
不愿那是悲伤的哭泣
事到如今终於让自已属於我自已
只剩眼泪还骗不过自己

突然好想你
你会在哪里
过的快乐或委屈
突然好想你
突然锋利的回忆
突然模糊的眼睛

我们像一首最美丽的歌曲
变成两部悲伤的电影
为什麽你带我走过最难忘的旅行
然后留下最痛的纪念品

我们那麽甜那麽美那麽相信
那麽疯那麽热烈的曾经
为何我们还是要奔向各自的幸福和遗憾中老去

最怕此生已经决定自己过没有你
却又突然听到你的消息

it happened again ytd night... another seemingly real dream... how many more of these do i have to go thru... if you don't want to bring me to heaven, god, why give me the illusions... it hurts to be dropped from heaven to hell within minutes... how much more can i take.. where's the limit... pr... i'm not brave... i'm not strong... in fact, i don't know why i'm so freaking weak.. i thought i'd be ok... and i really tried to be, but as evening came, the same feeling consumed me yet again... how long am i going to take this time... what if... in future.. the feelings have changed... what am i supposed to do then? don't make me give you up... i can't do it.

2009-10-26T10:47:00.002+08:00

lost. beaten.

don't put yourself down anymore. i have never given up on you, or neither have i ever hated you. take care.

2009-10-21T01:12:00.002+08:00

what on earth is wrong with me i am totally in no control of my feelings this is bad i am sleepy i feel like screaming i am not emoing at least trying not to i don know that state is returning this is bad bad bad bad baddddddddddddddddd oh whatever goodnight world not like anyone cares anyway damn you stupid rt you suck.

2009-10-16T22:23:00.003+08:00

the baboon, cow, dog and elephant will be fighting for the apples next year! lol. i'll strive harder next year... yup, that's a promise. pw.... my group has a fairly interesting and unconventional way of communicating... by 'debating' and 'arguing'.. haha! but nevertheless, it's fun to work with them, (really trains critical thinking lol!) and yup, i love my pw grp! (but not the subject lol) let's chiong... then we can get our dtf treat YAY (:
take care of yourself... don't overwork yup... and thank you, you'd be surprised at how those words make everything turn right (:

2009-10-10T11:41:00.007+08:00

first up, thank you darlings for always being there, esp peirong, jeenise, yilin, liqin, sophia, amanda, jiayanz, mayping. love you girls loads, regardless of what happens (: special mention to miss gan... LOL!

so, results back. hmmmm to be honest, i'm disappointed, especially for chem which i guess i can say i studied quite hard for, but oh wells. forget it. i'm really happy for you that you improved though, at least God answered half my prayer :D

now's time to rush pw, lunwen, mep H3 research paper and dip prep... sigh. i feel like not taking any more exams, but well let's just finish it up. november's going to be really busy... with the border's performance, inaug, oral presentation, bro's birthday chalet and hopefully gatherings with ppl whom i haven't seen in ages, preparation for chuida concert, orientation... guess it'll be overwhelming, but hopefully fulfilling. and i still haven't gotten over the fact that i can't go for the law internship. and from 21st, it's off to china for a month with my books (: yes, sad life, it's time to *gasps* finish up my lunwen, programme notes, and probably do some revision before next year so that my grades will not be so hauntingly disappointing. all in china. i'm sorry, mum and dad.l
i want to go there, i really do. but at the same time, i'm scared everytime i wonder what will the one month bring. absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?
last but not least, thank you for giving us one more chance. though i may not sound like it, i'm really happy, and i hope you are too. i'll cherish it. i'll cherish.. us. and, maybe it doesn't sound convincing enough to you, but, dear, i really do love you.

2009-10-07T22:30:00.002+08:00

judgement day tomorrow. another item to help make my life even richer in the grey/black spectrum. haha! no complaints though, grey/black are nice colours. rarh.

i'm getting on my own nerves. stupid rachel tang, stop thinking.

ok done. stopped.

ya right, who am i kidding?

"I didn't expect you to fall so hard."
"I didn't either, but truth is, I did."

2009-10-05T23:34:00.004+08:00

you have this amazing capability... to brighten my whole day when you're happy... and to darken it when you're not... i don't dare to say i know you well enough... but i think i can tell when you're lying... so i'd rather you not pretend. you said you never expected yourself to react the way you did... i didn't know i would be so worried too... this is the third time... and each time i just fall deeper... but i know that if i truly want you to be happy, maybe we should just let go...and if this is really what you want, i will respect your decision...

2009-10-03T23:17:00.002+08:00

so i still have one more paper. SIGGGGHHHHH. promos was... bad?! haha! but nonetheless, congrats to all year 5s for surviving them yea! after mep on monday, i'll be free... like finally.. for a pathetic 2 or 3 days before the reality sinks in. getting back 4 papers on thurs and 1 on friday. argh. life's great eh.

for gp.. i wrote on "there's no place for failure in today's society." honestly, i totally agree to it. don't ppl judge you by results? ya they say the process matters, it's the effort that counts blah but ultimately, what they determine you by are your results. no? the warped reality of this world. argh i'm incoherent again. china, come quick please. save for the flu jab, everything else about china seems so much more appealing. even the thought of working my head off for lunwen there, and burying the pain with all the work, seems pretty good now. everything does, in face of the impending doom. darn.

好朋友：罗志祥

像两首节拍不同的歌
却又同时被爱情合奏
旋律勉强着
愉快不能够假装快乐
你心中有宽阔的天空
空气还稀薄

曾经等待因为会改变什么
你总会属于我
但是最后时间证明了
你只喜欢我

你说我比较像你的好朋友
只是不小心拥抱着
你道歉你难过
于是我给你笑容
谁在乎我的心
还会不会寂寞

如果爱情是五线谱
我只希望用全音符
吟唱出爱上你
那完整的幸福
但你的心没有耳朵
即使我为你唱着歌
你也只看见我哭了

你说我是你最好的朋友
却不应该再拥抱着
你退缩你冷漠
于是我放开双手
不在乎我的心会永远的寂寞

there are some things which i just can't tell you. though i really want to, and i think i need to. things like how much it hurts when i don't know how to help you. how much it hurts to know how important i am in comparison to them. but i don't say anything. cos i don't want to appear to be a jealous gf.but there's so much i can take... i don't know what will happen in the future, and i don't dare to think about it. so i just want to create more happy memories for/with you. for your sake, or for mine. i'm sorry. i'd be lying if i said all the disappointments didn't hurt. but i'll just keep lying, till the day when you find it out for yourself. i never meant to hurt you. trust me.

2009-09-16T21:41:00.003+08:00

WOOHOO EIGHT DAYS TO PROMOS! (and what are you doing here stupid rachel tang) o.0 watching time slip by, yet no real sense of urgency.. HMMMM i don't know what i am thinking either :D

anw, i'm glad i chose that path... though it might bring me pain sometimes (HAHA!) but now i know, (and yes, i can feel) it's worth it... heartfelt thanks to those who stood by my decisions (and un-decisions lol!) and encouraged me to do wht my heart told me to. and thank YOU, for fixing the roller-coaster track, so the journey is now smoother and more pleasant :D (if you don't get what i mean, too bad!) don't worry and think too much, you really can do it. trust yourself!

ok it's time to do some serious mugging/practising piano... sigh. the realities of life never fails to get you down when you're up... HAHA. on a random thought... i suddenly miss you guys alot... haha. cos i chanced upon a DAS we did for camp last year (: takecare yea and goodluck for promos! :D

and yes, i love you too (:

2009-09-12T19:59:00.000+08:00

不想懂得

当世界　不知不觉的变了
有时候　我怀念以前的我
作的梦　虽然远远的　想像是　一种快乐

拥有了　同时也失去什麽　而眷恋　原来会带来软弱
你让我在雾里成熟　心开始曲折

我不想舍得　不想懂得　是谁惹谁　言不由衷
说谎伤害　都是不安犯的错　怕抱不紧什麽

我不想舍得　不想懂得　谁说割爱　才更深刻
彼此依赖　是爱不是负荷　互相照顾就是　幸福的

我不想舍得　不想懂得　谁说割爱　才更深刻
彼此依赖　是爱不是负荷　能握着手就是　感动的

我愿意　一秒钟放弃全宇宙
挤在只有我们　紧靠的小星球

我多不舍得　多不懂得　谁说割爱　才更深刻
彼此依赖　是爱不是负荷　能握着手就是　感动的

i really cannot tell anymore, and i don't want to know.

2009-09-10T21:45:00.001+08:00

sometimes, it just feels so right. but immediately after, things undergo a 180 degree change. from high to low, low to high. i really can't adapt to the emotional roller coaster. i try to rationalise my way thru it everytime, but some things are not meant to be rationalized? if not where do feelings stand? i don't know what to think anymore, and maybe i should just not think. tell me what you want me to do. please.

2009-09-09T23:39:00.000+08:00

i'm not supposed to be feeling like this. if i continue doing what i've been, i'll believe myself soon.

2009-09-07T00:21:00.002+08:00

i'd give anything to relive my life. hopefully i'd be born smarter, brighter, nicer, lovelier... the best would be to be born an exceptional prodigy, good in everything. i hate myself. i really, really do.

2009-09-05T18:58:00.003+08:00

i don't know what's wrong with me either. i don't know how i feel anymore. i don't understand myself. and i should stop deluding myself by watching dramas. what's the point of saying, when we can't do what we set out to? what's the point of feeling, when the only feelings you feel are negative? what's the point of knowing, when you know but can't do anything about it? i thought i didn't need anything, not you, not them, not anyone... but again, i have been proven wrong. we might be close in distance, but yet i feel even more distant. when i make up my mind to do something, i give my very best. really, i do. but somehow, my best is not enough. and what matters, no longer matters anymore. ultimately, in life things come and go. and when we leave, we leave with nothing either. it's a kind of unexplainable emptiness. i know i need to snap out of this, but i really have no more strength to. it hurts to pretend, but after awhile, habits form, and facades become comforable. such is life. try it once, try it twice, try it thrice... one fine day, what you never expected to happen, will somehow be ethced in your mind as the truth. which even if you are the only one in the world who believes it, at least you can try convincing yourself. which is an uphill task, because ultimately, you know you can't get past yourself. rt,ys.bt.

2009-08-17T21:49:00.000+08:00

maybe all of you are right. but just let me leave in self-denial, please? they say when you reach the bottom, the only way you'll go is up. they lied.

2009-08-05T22:38:00.000+08:00

oh great. add chem to the list of failed tests in this two weeks. last week's crap gp, plus today's csc paper which i don't even understand the question. how retarded is that. i just feel... i don't know. demoralised isn't the word. neither is depressed. argh forget it. maclaurin's next week. ggggggreeeeeatttttt.

sometimes i just wish you'd show you care more. maybe it's just me being selfish or expecting too much. we need to talk, yet i don't know how to tell you. maybe i think too much, but you ain't happy, are you? maybe it's time to do something... before it's too late to do anything.

2009-07-31T22:59:00.000+08:00

i thought you finally understood. so i was wrong. you think you know me. but you don't; at all.

2009-05-31T19:56:00.003+08:00

semester 1 has ended. on a... dreadful note? then again what's there to dread when i can't possibly do any worse than this semester? -.- in terms of results, coping with everything, doing my work, going for lessons, spending time with friends and family... haha. i've reached the dip. it really can't be any worse. can it? in a mere span of 5+ months, so much has changed. i thought i could do it, but i guess i overestimated myself. i'm not as strong, as capable, as smart, as hardworking... as i thought i could be. i've got to learn how to pick myself up. i can't afford to keep with this disappointing performance. the disappointment of teachers. relatives and family. friends. words, can really cut. deeply. oh well. let's just look forward to the 'holiday'. and this time, i will really give no less than my best.

nothing's gonna change the things that you said,
nothing's gonna make things alright again;
please don't turn your back on,
can't believe it's hard just to talk to you cause you don't understand..

2009-05-19T22:04:00.002+08:00

I swear i will ace this chem test. not b. and certainly not a c. but first, i need to get my motivation for mugging... stupid hopeless girl >< it doesn't help i am d-ing/f-ing or my csc stuff. great. i can't wait for cts. they'll probably just be the last straw. at least there'll be something to torture me. and maybe temporarily take my mind off stuff. if i can survive them, that is. incoherence... as usual.

I want to numb the pain ... but it will make it worse when i finally feel it? It’s hard to tell myself to stop, when i clearly know my heart still does. ultimately, i can't get past myself. maybe i should just distance myself away from you.

2009-05-03T21:08:00.003+08:00

going to china might not be such a bad thing after all. i can't wait to go. and perhaps, never come back.

i placed way too much hope on us. the feeling of disappointment, hopeless, loss, uncertainty... now, all too familiar.

2009-04-29T20:51:00.003+08:00

all i did was try to talk to you properly since you've been complaining i haven't been doing that for a long time. we had to end up quarrelling. you used to talk about morals and ethics. what happened? are results really that important? have you ever considered what i want? you impose your dreams on me, have you ever wondered if i am happy? i appear nonchalant about my studies. to you, i never ever touch my piano / brush up on my work. you don't see what i do in school, do you? i hate the piano so much, cos everytime i practise, you almost always say my playing's bad. everytime i study, you'll scold me for sleeping late. my life doesn't just revolve around school and studies... do you really understand me? you always say it's ok as long as i try my best. sometimes i really tried my best, but what comes out is just far from your expectations. how do you know i am not disappointed? when i appear not to be, you say i can't be bothered about my results. when i show i am upset, you chide me saying i didn't put in enough effort. how do you know? you ask me to speak up if i am wronged. when i do, you say i talk back to you. you ask me to explain myself. when i do, you say i am finding excuses. whatever happens, i am always in the wrong. it's ok, i am used to it. you don't love me, you love my results, you love my ability to play the piano, you love me for the ideal person you want me to be, you love me for the dreams you have for me. i'm sorry, i know i fall short of your expectations. i know i disappoint you, i know i am hopelessly useless, i know i will never be the on you want me to be. i'm sick and tired of this life. perhaps i exist in the wrong world.

2009-04-26T20:38:00.004+08:00

day out with liqin, yilindear and jeenise ytd... spent like 16 hours with them? haha! but it was great as usual.... i really really really appreciate you girls k... no matter how busy i am with my other stuff and have no time to really talk to you all >< remember 17 again date on friday! <3 met yijiao and the rest of the dunkit ppl too.. haha. nice catching up. jiayou for syf and concerts!

watching hwachong's huangcheng production really made me think alot... all the situations acted out in the plays.. very real and close to the heart. how a person struggles mentally and has inferiority complex.. keeping everything within himself until he finally snaps... similar to bang bang you're dead. yup, made me think. the grandpa's bah chor mee one... touching? long-lasting strong love... something people look forward to and wish for... but it just doesn't happen to everyone.. sad but true. 爱一个人不需要拥有，但拥有一个人一定要好好爱她。。。food for thought. last one... reincarnations...this one is really touching. a couple who really loves each other deeply... but yet still had to succumb to reality, and both ended up committing suicide together, hoping to be together in their next lifetime.. but they could only remember half of what had happened. and there were 3 situations... two of them being adults and one of them being young teenagers, but in all 3 situations, their love was not able to defeat the practical realities of the world. sad... what is love? some complex thing that can never be comprehended... it's really a very feeling-based thing. you don't need a reason... you might think you're irrational... but that's just how it is. you just can't get yourself out of it. and then you sink deeper. best case scenario? butterfly lovers? romeo + juliet? still tradgedy in the end -.- worst case scenario? unreciprocated love.. haha. no wonder people are afraid to try... might not even be able to save a strong friendship. sad case. haha.

aiya i am crapping so much. with all the mins, ppt and whatnot still waiting for me -.- on a sidenote, thanks for friday night. haven't enjoyed myself so much in such a long time. hope you all had fun too :D

2009-04-22T19:38:00.002+08:00

and once again, i fail to convince myself. it's so expected it's underrated. expectations can really kill. garh i'm being incoherent. i can't even phrase my thoughts into words. hopelessly useless.

on a happier sidenote, congrats to my darling juniors. you all totally deserve it, for all the hard work that you all put in, and yes, we're all very proud of you (:

and i no longer dare to dream,
for it's been proven that dreams don't come true.

2009-04-18T13:40:00.002+08:00

i need to escape.

someplace, somewhere.

sometimes, silence is really golden.

as long as it's far away from you, so that i can stop imagining things.
imagining that things could still be perfect, and we could still go back to where we were.

2009-04-12T23:24:00.003+08:00

i completed 2 csc homework out of 4. wow rachel, wow :x how on earth am i going to finish this, plus mep listening commetary, plus 3 mep essays, i really don't know. i need a miracle. and the feeling is getting stronger...

下一个天亮

用起伏的背影挡住哭泣的心
有些故事不必说给每个人听
许多眼睛看的太浅太近
错过我没被看见那个自己

用简单的言语解开超载的心
有些情绪是该说给懂的人听
你的热泪比我激动怜惜
我发誓要更努力更有勇气

时间可以磨去我的棱角
有些坚持却永远磨不掉
请容许我小小的骄傲
因为有你这样的依靠

等下一个天亮
去上次牵手赏花那里散步好吗
有些积雪会自己融化
你的肩膀是我豁达的天堂

等下一个天亮
把偷拍我看海的照片送我好吗
我喜欢我飞舞的头发
和飘着雨还是眺望的眼光

but i'd rather you maintain your indifference
; at least there will be no disappointment with no hope.

2009-04-11T22:25:00.003+08:00

Gotta go my own way
I gotta say what’s on my mind
Something about us doesn’t seem right…these days
Life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try
Somehow the plan is always rearranged
It’s so hard to say
But I gotta do what’s best for me
You’ll be okay…

Don’t wanna leave it all behind
But I get my hopes up and I watch them fall every time
Another color turns to grey
And it’s just too hard…to watch it all…slowly fade away
I’m leavin’ today’
Cause I gotta do what’s best for me
You’ll be okay

What about us? What about everything we’ve been through?
What about trust? You know I never wanted to hurt you
What about me? What am I supposed to do…
I gotta leave but I’ll miss you...

I’ve got to move on, and be who I am
I just don’t belong here I hope you understand
We might find our place in this world someday
But at least for nowI gotta go my own way

Hurt my leg again.. wonder how much stupider i can get -.- and the Cambridge Companion to Brahms has like disappeared from the face of earth... ): my mep essays! csc homework! minutes! rachel tang why can't you seem to finish your stuff? so hopeless... one whole series of mep concerts next week and intensive co practices starting, high time we need them though.. amanda! we must charge our phones haha... it's time to get started on that pile of work again.. endless, vicious cycle.

the mixed signals sent...or am i reading too much into them?
but i can't afford to try again. i'm sorry, but i'm really scared
; because i clearly know i'm not good enough.
and will never be.

2009-04-10T21:40:00.003+08:00

so, went out with yilin today! (: that lazy pig overslept! :O (as usual) and STILL DARE TO TAKE HER OWN SWEET TIME hor so i waited for her at paya lebar for 45 mins TSKTSK! went bras basah to shop for books (we are hardworking k!) then bugis to walk around (with study session forgotten apparently -.-) and talked before heading to iluma where we wanted to catch shinjuku incident (or sth like that) at the new cinema! BUT it was raining super heavily. and though it was just opposite bugis junction, there was no 'short route' to get there. so me and lyl practically hurried across and we were like almost totally drenched. the minute we stepped into iluma, we both shuddered xD and that silly girl didn't bring her jacket AGAIN.... so we ended up sharing the jacket and sitting at some bench waiting for the rain to stop, and she still dared to comment that we look like some abandoned kids haha! o.0 we flipped thru the papers trying to search for places to watch the movie instead. and ultimately decided on bj o.0 so we ran there for nothing... then we went outside to sit in case the rain stopped. and we saw two SUPER CUTE HUGGABLE i-don't-know-what mascots and we went to take photos with them. the one that was like some huge pau didn't seem to be able to see and he spun round and round to look for us cos we said we wanted to take photo with him.. SO CUTE!!! lyl, remember our date to eat at that place ok! (:

shinjuku incident was... hmmm. super thought-provoking / gory... and it was really very very sad. both lyl and i emo-ed after the show... and bugis has severe lack of toilets! our next must-watch will be a happy one, 17 again! (: and now it's back to the mountains of homework...

我不难过
又站在你家的门口
我们重复沉默
这样子单方面的守候
还能多久

终于你开口向我诉说
她有多温柔
虽然你还握着我的手
但我已不在你心中

抱紧我再抱紧我
这一份感动
请你让我留在胸口
别再说是你的错
爱到了尽头是非对错
就让它随风忘了
所有过得比你快活
不要再说
或许这是最好的结果
现在分手总好过你不爱我
一拖再拖
松开你的手
离开你左右
我向前走
这会是我真正的解脱

我真的懂
你不是喜新厌旧
是我没有陪在你身边
当你寂寞时候
别再看着我
说着你爱过
别太伤痛
我不难过
这不算什么
只是为什么眼泪会流
我也不懂
就让我走
让我开始享受自由
回忆很多你的影子也会充满我生活
我并不懦弱
你比谁都懂
虽然寂寞
这会是我最后的宽容

because i don't know how to feel
;and you certainly deserve better.

2009-04-10T00:28:00.004+08:00

I POSTED!!!! and changed the blogskin too... i feel so accomplished. it's the first time i did it myself! haha! and i spent like 1 hour plus doing everything. i know i'm hopeless o.0 *when i am supposed to be doing the overdue CSC, upcoming-due minutes / MEP / chem tutorial/ math assignment :x*

jeenise's favourite song once upon a time, which actually sort of makes sense and i am now addicted to instead of her o.0
girl, i really miss you...

虽然我愿意

请让我靠近你轻轻对你说
别让我每个夜为你受折磨
是多么不容易才默默放手

为了我就当作这次为了我
别让我因为你被回忆折磨
而空气凝结了我们的脸孔
我别无选择

再让我靠近你轻轻对你说
当我说我要你从此好好过
是真的否则我怎么肯放手

为了我就当作这次为了我
赐给我你现在幸福的笑容
别让恨冻结了我们的脸孔
请你做选择

就算我们之间有什么问题
依然想念着你
虽然被放弃
虽然我愿意
就算我们之间有什么难题
黑夜我还想着你
心碎人孤寂
虽然我愿意
心还想着你

going out with dear yilin tmr! <3 (: and there is this super nice wallet... but the price is ouch. heart-wrenching... i should not spend so much on a wallet right? right ):

越是在乎的人越是猜不透
; we would never fit into each other's world.
like what they say, once bitten twice shy. and somehow i stopped daring to make decisions. rarh rachel you suck. stupid girl.

2008-12-05T19:42:00.012+08:00

wednesday: went out with dearyilin, jeenise and liqin after a long long while!! jeenise and i had kaoji (which was BAD) and we took a photo with the nicely and newly renovated shangyin which looks totally different from what it originally was before heading down to tampines mall to pass daniel his birthday present. after that, dinner and talking at pizza hut was great! really miss those times when we would just ball till the sky turned dark after CO and then try to chiong home (haha!) but we never manage to be REALLY FAST eh.. haha. must continue doing that next year ok! esp now move back to tg rhu alr :D thanks for that day, love you guys (:
happy birthday mark! happy birthday daniel! happy birthday fiona! :D

yesterday: after another horrible kaoji, bridged and taitee-d with the crazy juniors (esp yiqi lol 4 spades! :D), pizza hut (again!), went to meet peirong to go ps to watch BOLT! quite a nice show.. surprisingly i enjoyed it, thought it'd be super boring. lol. haha we did pretty embarrassing stuff at swenson's (ahem!) but it was really fun. take care girl and have a nice trip! :D

today: woke up at a rather unearthly time this morning to go to some jelutung cc (at SEMBAWANG!) to help my aunt for her childcare's family day. liqin came along too! (: thanks!! thanks to my cousins and bro, liqin got 'selected' for the prestigious job of being a judge during the sports events and the very nice her conveniently volunteered me to be the remaining judge. 真是好朋友! lol. and my beloved cousin later conferred the title of a photographer on me, and obviously i dragged liqin into the job as well! :D so we were basically jostling with the super enthusiastic parents at the front of the stage, snapping away furiously while the children present their items, and repeatedly went crazy over how cute they were! the performances were pretty great, featuring quite a wide variety, but those put up by the younger ones weren't all that 'successful', some of them crying and refusing to go on stage, but they were super cute nonetheless! the older ones were generally more at ease, and really danced and had fun! these were the little princes and princesses who so enjoy being in the limelight! :D besides that, we pretty much ran all around after the super energetic children, trying (but basically to no avail) to get them to sit down in their groups, and standing at a side, helpless, when they did not stop crying. but overall, in conclusion, KIDS.ARE.SUPER.CUTE! (apart from the crying, bawling, screaming, running all over the place, and leaving you feeling helpless) :D you be the judge!! (:

last but not least, thanks for always being there <3

on sidenote, "at first sight" by nicholas sparks is a really good book with a really unexpected twist. if you are one looking for something emotional and touching, and something to inspire you to think about life's fragility amidst all the other life morals it advocates, maybe you'd want to give it a try (:

how does one decide whether something/someone is worth all the effort?

when you feel the indescribable joy when you see the completed thing, know you'd do anything just to see that smile, that approving nod... that's when you know.

but appreciation is a fairytale ending, and fairytale endings don't happen in reality.

deep inside you know i feel it too.

2008-12-04T21:09:00.004+08:00

introduced by pris lee, and never got out of my head. see lar girl, all your fault o.0

突然好想你

最怕空气突然安静
最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆突然翻滚绞痛着不平息
最怕突然听到你的消息

想念如果会有声音
不愿那是悲伤的哭泣
事到如今终於让自已属於我自已
只剩眼泪还骗不过自己

突然好想你
你会在哪里
过的快乐或委屈

突然好想你
突然锋利的回忆
突然模糊的眼睛

我们像一首最美丽的歌曲
变成两部悲伤的电影
为什麽你带我走过最难忘的旅行
然後留下最痛的纪念品

我们那麽甜那麽美那麽相信
那麽疯那麽热烈的曾经
为何我们还是要奔向各自的幸福和遗憾中老去

突然好想你
你会在哪里
过的快乐或委屈

突然好想你
突然锋利的回忆
突然模糊的眼睛

最怕空气突然安静
最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆突然翻滚绞痛着不平息
最怕突然听到你的消息

最怕此生已经决定自己过没有你
却又突然听到你的消息

a bad apology is worse than no apology - the last lecture (randy pausch)

2008-12-02T21:45:00.007+08:00

back from USA! (: touchdown-ed ytd morning at ard 7.30, and got to see the captivating sunrise :D dad, mum and bro came to pick me up from the airport! and believe it or not, the first thing i did in my semi-conscious state on the taxi was engage in a quarrel with my bro and him pestering for his presents. WOW. haha. shows you how much we missed each other.. o.0

jetlagged like most would, but my mum didn't let me sleep in the morning in an attempt to make me try overcoming jetlag and even dragged me out of the house so i won't sleep. zzz... thanks.. haha. and needless to say, i couldn't sleep at night rarh and ended up sleeping only at 1+ am and tada! i woke up at 12 pm this afternoon!! (: sry peirong.. hehe. anyway, the trip was great.. great place, great memories, great history, great patriotism, great festive spirit.. shall let pictures do the talking :D only the ones with ppl...

USA TRIP! :D -pushes the nanjing trip aside-

(ok the order's abit screwed, with the later ones on top lol)

*at Best Western University Inn* (the place we stayed when at Ithaca)

-hilda, priscilla(lee), me, xinyi, mr ong

- me, priscilla(lee)

-hilda, me, priscilla(lee), xinyi

- me and the US flag o.0

- mayping, me

- xinyun, mayping, me, hilda! (roomates! :D)

- me and hilda

*what khooguiju did to my cam at germany while waiting for transit o.0*

-guiju and poor gekteng who was forced to camwhore with her! ):

-the evil culprit guiju (:

*At Changi Airport before we went to US...* thanks to those who came to send us off! :D

- me, jeenise, hilda

- me, jeenise

- me, weijie, felicia

- xingqi, liangwei, weijie

- me, ahgong xingqi (:

-me and peirong

hmm shall just post these for now.. blogger's taking really long to upload the photos!

an oval and a square, will never fit together...

2008-11-23T09:53:00.002+08:00

despite the freezing cold, u.s. is a great place with breathtaking scenery which proves to be a great escape, no? looking at the white snow, seeing ppl throwing snow at each other, huddling together like penguins (teletubbies lol), playing with each other like life's so simple, it's just great... worry free... when will it ever be like that?

7 more days and we are out of this paradise, back to reality which i so want to evade. the taste of sweet escape...

and yes i know i still owe photos grrr.

2008-11-02T21:46:00.002+08:00

you're right.... however i try to help you won't work, cos you'll likely have used them on me before :x i know how you're feeling now really sucks, but please do take care of yourself and cheer up ok... two pairs of ears.. up and open for you..

2008-11-01T20:43:00.009+08:00

ok i shall continue updating! (: but somehow the size of the pictures look weird. hmmm.

aiya today patience ran out faster. o.0 so that's all for now! haha. and omg HCL olvls in like what? 4 days!!! rarh.

on a sidenote, thanks jeenise for the fun today! from orchard to somerset to dhoby ghaut.. haha. the trying-but-not-buying and the sinful stuff, not forgetting the mrt announcement and the serviette grabbing! :p haha. i think we are both super retarded but nvm! we will work hard together and prove to zls ok!! remember the saturday dates! (:

watched HSM III with yanlin ytd! nice show. haha! (: yea romantic and sweet, as xq said.

Right here, Right now.

Can you imagine, what would happen

if we could have any dream.

I'd wish this moment, was ours to own it

and that it would never leave.

Then I would thank that star,

that made our wish come true (come true)

Oh, yeah

Cause he knows that where you are,

is where I should be too.

Right Here, Right Now

I’m looking at you, and my heart loves the view

Cause you mean everything

Right Here, I promise you somehow

That tomorrow can wait, some other day to be (to be)

But right now there's you and me.

It feels like forever, what could be better?

We've already proved it was.

That two thousand words, twenty three hours, have blended the universe.

Its gonna be, everything (everything)in our whole world changed(it starts changing)

and do know that when we are, (when we are)

our memory's the same oh no,oh no

Oh we know its coming (coming)

Oh its coming fast

Its always you and me, oh yeah

So lets make this second last make it last

2008-10-31T21:40:00.027+08:00

fine fine fine i am here to update! haha. especially since i owe so many photos.. oops. okok i know... got like erm from exco dryrun to sc camp to class chalet (last year's!!!) to gy handover to the latest bsp trip.. ok so we shall start slowly! one step at a time (: the most recent first, bsp trip. let the pictures do the talking. yay.

omg really cannot take it. uploading is so... hmm. tedious! so day 2 and day 3 pictures for now lol. on a random note, i think this song is super meaningful.

祝你一路顺风

那一天知道你要走　　

我们一句话也没有说　　
当午夜的钟声敲痛离别的心门　

却打不开我深深的沈默　

那一天送你送到最后　

我们一句话也没有留　

当拥挤的月台挤痛送别的人们　

却挤不掉我深深的离愁　　

我知道你有千言你有万语

却不肯说出口　　

你知道我好担心我好难过

却不敢说出口　　

当你背上行囊卸下那份荣耀　　

我只能让眼泪留在心底　

面带着微微笑用力的挥挥手

祝你一路顺风

当你踏上月台从此一个人走

我只能深深的祝福你

深深的祝福你最亲爱的朋友　

祝你一路顺风

as in.. really. partings are so inevitable. don't say those literal ones, even when a close friend suddenly erm turns into a 'stranger' or someone you thought you knew evolved into someone you realise you totally don't know... ya. so yea. at least you have been friends before, cherish the memories! 叶子的离去，究竟是风的追求，还是树的不挽留？

2008-10-07T20:00:00.002+08:00

haha hopefully two weeks away from singapore will do me some good... Just here to leave some last words LOL. Thanks all for the 'bon voyage', don't worry i won't miss you all muahaha i will be having FUN... ya right, doing lunwen and papers rarh. the only hope is a nice buddy.... so yea. i will try to scout for presents (: and sorry liqin and jeenise for leaving the work behind for you'll! yanlin, don't need miss me larh, you got *******! lalala.

rarh i hope my buddy and her family are nice... and i hope that i will have the motivation to finish packing my luggage (!), i hope that i will not forget to bring anything, and i hope that my luggage will come back lighter than what i have now (which is quite impossible). ok take care everyone!!! JIAYOU 4F with everything k!!! (:

your indifference leaves me hopeless, afraid, and unsure of what to do. what exactly do you want me to do?

2008-09-29T19:42:00.006+08:00

rarh my grandfather's angry with me cos i came home super full and now i don't feel like eating dinner. -.- nvm i shall be a nice and filial granddaughter and go finish up dinner later...

ok so anw, today went school for that chem prac thingy.. lol it was super slack! haha! cos i guess no one was actually in the mood to do any work-related stuff.. so all just like luan4 luan4 lai2. haha! and all the talk about F1 and moonlight resonance.. lol. sidetracking, moonlight resonance is seriously a super nice show, should really go watch!!

after chem prac, went to bugis to meet yixiang... and decorated cow's bdae present lol. we went around looking for a place to sit down and do deco.. and decided on kinokuniya.. but there was like no 'hidden' corners! lol. so we went to outside the cinema there and we settled down comfortably while yixiang the artist started his work on the cushion.. haha! i was sudoku-ing and weijie was er reading bleach? lol. and yes yx, i know i take very long to complete the sudoku lol.
lazy yixiang insisted that art friend was vry far from bugis! tsk. but in the end we still went there and grabbed the materials needed to complete cow's present. and we *ahem* did something erm.. kind of 'illegal'? haha yixiang, go out with you can really save money!! haha. can't believe i actually sided you lol... and wj, sry larh.. haha. but you've to admit it was super funny right!! if not think of how much more money you've to spend.. (: went to national library after tt, originally only supposed to return score.. but we ended up in the children's corner -.- where we started colouring!! haha. the sound the fabric markers made on the cushion is like so loud.. cos the library was SO QUIET... lol!! yx's attempt to make his sling bag a backpack... our attempts to 'release the cow back onto the field...' haha funny...then siswo smsed to say he'll be late. EXPECTED larh, and we actually thought the rest would be too.. so we took our own sweet time.. and we left the library 15 minutes later than our meeting time... and when we reached there, all were already there except for cow... haha sry sry!

sang birthday song twice.. cow.. hope you like the presents ok!! (: and the cake.. rarh the cake looked so nice lor.. but hmmm. tastes abit weird with the coconut? but at least it helped to satisfy our hunger for awhile.. before the sakae buffet which starts at a weird time of 3 larh! and we this bunch of kiasu ppl.. all never eat breakfast and lunch cos we want to make our money worth. lol.. and seriously, they super strict larh. must be EXACTLY 3.. rarh. so we just sat there and watched the coveyor belt.. and counted down... haha when the person say we can eat, we just keep grabbing plates off the conveyor belt.. haha bet the waiter was amused! lol. eat until super full.. cow had to leave halfway, we continued eating.. cq and yx pro... eat more than xq! haha. hannah and i felt quite sick after eating lol. went gloria jean's at raffles city.. drank some ice blended thing cos it's like cheap.. and now i feel like dying. lol. rarh...

thanks for all the laughter and joy... and cow, have the happiest sweetest 16th birthday!! (:

why don't you tell me what to do.. why don't you tell me what you want.. why don't you tell me how to not like you...

2008-09-25T23:11:00.002+08:00

prom comm meeting in the morning today, crappy as usual.. i mean what can you expect with that uncle siswo sitting opposite you and keep kupping your drink? and seriously larh.. he does it like it's nothing wrong.. at all... just so shun4 shou3. RARH. lol. siswo hartoyo.. if you ever read this... you owe me half the drink money (: and sophia, THANKS FOR THE APPLE PIE BITE huh.. lol.

went to school to ball after that, pre-arranged with jeenise and yilin. liqin couldn't come cos she was tired after class chalet :X next time then.. went to the library and thank god i remembered to get my lunwen books RARH even the librarian was amazed by the total increase in ppl borrowing bsp books look at what lunwen is doing to us tsktsk. lol. and borrowed 2 other chinese books... surprised by myself. o.0 if i managed to finish reading them that would be a wow. i don't know. miracle? considering i don't like reading chinese books..

haha jeenise.. isn't it so erm nice (?!) just lying down in the gym.. so quiet.. haha then play all those kind of songs.. haha lol! thanks girl.. for being there... haha. i'm really sry... i tried my best... but i just can't.. sorry. matched with gohjiaying, weijie and yixiang.. first match me and jeenise vs the 3 of them.. lol eh we put up a strong fight larh can! but after awhile jeenise and i were tired.. lol and the school water cooler water tastes espeically nice today LOL. vballed for awhile after yilin came back before playing bball with vball! and it's really amusing watching the guys jumping on the trampoline and trying to do all sort of weird things. haha.

i heart music dinner at pizza hut after that, gosh the way we decided on where to eat and what to eat and everything was seriously o.0 haha! but funny larh. and dinner was certainly funny and filled with laughter, all thanks to ahgong, weijie, yilin, nicole, bram and jiaying. haha. and the zhong1 ji2 mi4 ma3 game, call it retribution or sth, only the ppl who wanted to play and taste the weird mixture got to taste it! YAY. haha. then me bram yilin and nicole kept insisting on leaving.. haha sorry.. late le.. tomorrow still need to go school for lunwen!! RARH. but thanks for making the dinner a funny and enjoyable one...

if i could tell you sth, it would be how much you meant to me.

2008-09-23T20:02:00.003+08:00

ya exams are over... but sadly, only in the 'eoys over!' mood for awhile.. don know why also. went to sentosa with yilin, yeling, zina and amy! (: yilin amy and i have matching slippers! haha lol. after that yilin, yeling, amy and i went 'window-shopping' cos vivo stuff not cheap.. and we ended up in Toys-R-Us *ahem* taking photos and camwhoring cos we didn't really take photos at sentosa. haha! i bet the ppl must have found us weird.. lol. anw i got sunburnt! lol. super itchy now, it's gonna hurt bad when the skin peels. sigh. and my mum and bro laughed at me larh! "eh you very black now, tmr your skin peel will be very pain one... haha very good lor go sentosa larh!" what a nice bro. rarh. and i have to wait for my bro's exams to end before i can continue with moonlight resonance, cos apparently he 'waited for' my exams to end, when actually my mum forced him to start studying earlier. sigh.

lol finally have the freedom i craved for but now i actually can't remember what i always wanted to do! i think i'm retarded o.0 i bet mayping will agree with this sentence garh. haha.

anw, the papers this year... ok larh.. math 2 and bio very scary.. the rest not too bad... until now chem and physics still stuck in my head! haha. that's why no space to cram bio and history tsktsk.. my brain has limited space. lol. i need a brain with a bigger capacity!! so for now, what i have to do:

1. go shopping for the MANY BELATED BIRTHDAY PRESENTS i owe! (sorry!!)
2. go shopping for the china buddies.
3. pack the room PROPERLY (lol it's in a worse state after eoys due to the piles of books)
4. bsp lunwen (yes mayping, please don't stare at me in this way, we don't want ** *** *** to come after us with a chopper)
5. clear my email.
6. CR outing (long-owed, sorry..)
7. EXCO outing
8. the outings with people whom i owe respectively -.-
9. read!
10. practise piano before my piano teacher kills
11. practise dizi!!! (jeenise, our vision.. rarh.)
12. ball... bball.. cball...vball..just ball..
13. go ecp/sentosa!
14. compose songs
15. catch up with people whom i haven't been catching up with.
16. learn photoshop
17. update playlists!

ok actually it's not alot right! SEVENTEEN things.. yay (:

jiayou to all geographers!!

F-O-R F-R-E-E-D-O-M!! :D

2008-09-06T00:14:00.002+08:00

everyone's sinking in exam stress yea... all i want for it is to be over. one week of mugging.. but nothing seems to have gone in. LOL.

nevermind, last lap already. good luck to all! (:

there's seriously alot of things to clear up after exams.. rarh.

2008-08-10T22:02:00.002+08:00

first things first. thank you to all who came to watch the recital on thursday.. though it might not have been good or up to standard, really thank you for all the time, encouragement and support... really appreciate everything, and sorry to have disappointed you all. (:

next. friday was cross-country run then movie marathon. congrats to all who won medals and WELL DONE to all 4F participants! thank you for representing the class.. haha.. you'll tried your best already, so don't blame yourselves ok! stood at the finishing line to cheer on those going to finish the race... haha kudos to their perseverance... 4km..

movie marathon on friday night.. super tired lar.. but no choice, still had to pull it off. our last event.. we all wanted to give it our best shot, but yea, things don't always go according to how we want it? watched leap years for the second time, surprisingly didn't tear... only movie i watched that night, before finally conking out on the canteen bench. zzz.

i know it's just this sudden loss. this realisation that there is no more 'next time' that is hurting us. i can't deny that i am sad too. that i am reluctant to put all of these down. it's been a year.. from a grp of 'strangers' to, if i can say, a family. a group of people who have 'no choice but to work with one another', we have learnt to accept and complement each other. each of us is different. that probably explains the many 'conflicts and disagreements' we had throughout the entire year. so much that at times, they really overwhelmed us and made us want to stop. but we stood through it, and we bonded. we ran the race. we have reached the end of it. we had to face it all together. and now, i'm unwilling to let go. let go of the bonds we have forged. let go of the times we spent. it'll be so empty. without those 'gate duties'. without running around every morning settling announcers and all that rushed printing of calendars, doing school tours, and arranging gate duties. as much as i don't want to emo, i can't. i really will miss council stuff. we've come to the end, and it's now up to the new exco to take over, to bring council to greater heights, to outdo us and show the world what dhssc is made of. jiayou my darling juniors, we've faith in you all. and to the other ten of you, THANK YOU VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY MUCH. i'll never forget those council days, and you guys will, always, be a part of my memory, no matter how things go in future, i'm glad, and honoured, to have had you guys as friends. as family.

and to you. i really don't know how to speak to you anymore,i don't even know why we have drifted apart till this extent. we used to be able to talk, or rather, we BOTH BOTHered to talk to each other. now? you seem so much like a complete stranger. maybe i really don't understand. but how can i understand if you don't say anything? maybe cos we're both 'feeling' people. and that's where the contradiction comes in. we're both afraid to try. too afraid of the consequences to let our feelings be made known. i don't know about you, but i'm really scared to lose this friendship. i wish to tell you everything. how i really feel. what i've been bottling up inside. but i can't. cos i don't know if i will then lose this friendship forever. i'm tired of guessing. guessing how you're feeling. guessing what you're thinking. fine i brought all these upon myself. in the first place, if i could just have not bothered about anything, not cared, i wouldn't even be facing this problem of having to learn how to let go. and i really can't, cos i really don't want to give up on this friendship. you mean more than that to me, you really do, yet i don't know how to explain it to you. i hate myself, i hate myself for allowing myself to sink so deep, so deep i can't get out, i hate myself, hate myself for 'liking' you. it's not your fault. it's just me.

life rocks ^^

2008-07-27T20:21:00.003+08:00

i'm bored so kupped these two quizzes from xingqi's blog (:

Your EQ is 140

You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.

You are warm and open. Even when life gets you down, you're unafraid of the world and its challenges.

You are comfortable with who you are. And you accept your weaknesses - as well as the weaknesses of others.

While you are quite stable, you don't respond perfectly to every bad situation that comes up.

But you have enough emotional intelligence to know when you need a course correction.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

You Are An INFP

The Idealist

You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.

Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.

It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.

But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards.

You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings.

At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values.

You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

What's Your Personality Type?

lol i AM an infp... zzz.. same as when i took the mbti test the other time. fine i shall accept it. haha.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JINWEN! and HAPPY BIRTHDAY XINGQI! hope you liked what we planned and arranged for you though it wasn't exactly a surprise but nevertheless, hope you feel loved and had a great day. handover you'd better cry... xD and ya take care of *ahem* ^^ rock on!

2008-07-21T00:32:00.002+08:00

YOU ARE A BLUE CRAYON.

You Are a Blue Crayon

Your world is colored in calm, understated, deep colors.
You are a loyal person, and the truest friend anyone could hope to find.
On the inside, you tend to be emotional and even a bit moody.
However, you know that people depend on you. So you put on a strong front.

Your color wheel opposite is orange. Orange people may be opinionated, but you feel they lack the depth to truly understand what they're saying.

href="http://blogthings.com/whatcolorcrayonareyouquiz/">What Color Crayon Are You?

YOUR CAREER TYPE: SOCIAL

Your Career Type: Social

You are helpful, friendly, and trustworthy.
Your talents lie in teaching, nursing, giving information, and solving social problems.

You would make an excellent:

Counselor - Dental Hygienist - Librarian
Nurse - Parole Officer - Personal Trainer
Physical Therapist - Social Worker - Teacher

The worst career options for your are realistic careers, like truck driver or farmer.

What's" Your Ideal Career?

YOU ARE 40% LEFT-BRAINED and 60% RIGHT-BRAINED.

You Are 40% Left Brained, 60% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.
Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.
If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.
Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.
Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.
If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.
Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

2008-07-14T18:06:00.002+08:00

first time in the entire year i reached home so early under normal circumstances. have hamlet and math test to study for, garh. i don't know why on earth i just can't get the stupid tangent normal thing into my head. and judging from my proneness to be careless, i wonder how i am going to pass this ct. oh great. chinese today was... rubbish? cloze was just zzz. and i actually thought we had a lot of time yet i rushed to the last few minutes. great.

somehow, i think hamlet rocks. how weary, stale, flat and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world. how apt. the readiness is all. let be.