Wednesday, April 29, 2009
all i did was try to talk to you properly since you've been complaining i haven't been doing that for a long time. we had to end up quarrelling. you used to talk about morals and ethics. what happened? are results really that important? have you ever considered what i want? you impose your dreams on me, have you ever wondered if i am happy? i appear nonchalant about my studies. to you, i never ever touch my piano / brush up on my work. you don't see what i do in school, do you? i hate the piano so much, cos everytime i practise, you almost always say my playing's bad. everytime i study, you'll scold me for sleeping late. my life doesn't just revolve around school and studies... do you really understand me? you always say it's ok as long as i try my best. sometimes i really tried my best, but what comes out is just far from your expectations. how do you know i am not disappointed? when i appear not to be, you say i can't be bothered about my results. when i show i am upset, you chide me saying i didn't put in enough effort. how do you know? you ask me to speak up if i am wronged. when i do, you say i talk back to you. you ask me to explain myself. when i do, you say i am finding excuses. whatever happens, i am always in the wrong. it's ok, i am used to it. you don't love me, you love my results, you love my ability to play the piano, you love me for the ideal person you want me to be, you love me for the dreams you have for me. i'm sorry, i know i fall short of your expectations. i know i disappoint you, i know i am hopelessly useless, i know i will never be the on you want me to be. i'm sick and tired of this life. perhaps i exist in the wrong world.
rachel ♥
8:51 PM
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Sunday, April 26, 2009
day out with liqin, yilindear and jeenise ytd... spent like 16 hours with them? haha! but it was great as usual.... i really really really appreciate you girls k... no matter how busy i am with my other stuff and have no time to really talk to you all >< remember 17 again date on friday! <3 met yijiao and the rest of the dunkit ppl too.. haha. nice catching up. jiayou for syf and concerts!
watching hwachong's huangcheng production really made me think alot... all the situations acted out in the plays.. very real and close to the heart. how a person struggles mentally and has inferiority complex.. keeping everything within himself until he finally snaps... similar to bang bang you're dead. yup, made me think. the grandpa's bah chor mee one... touching? long-lasting strong love... something people look forward to and wish for... but it just doesn't happen to everyone.. sad but true. 爱一个人不需要拥有，但拥有一个人一定要好好爱她。。。food for thought. last one... reincarnations...this one is really touching. a couple who really loves each other deeply... but yet still had to succumb to reality, and both ended up committing suicide together, hoping to be together in their next lifetime.. but they could only remember half of what had happened. and there were 3 situations... two of them being adults and one of them being young teenagers, but in all 3 situations, their love was not able to defeat the practical realities of the world. sad... what is love? some complex thing that can never be comprehended... it's really a very feeling-based thing. you don't need a reason... you might think you're irrational... but that's just how it is. you just can't get yourself out of it. and then you sink deeper. best case scenario? butterfly lovers? romeo + juliet? still tradgedy in the end -.- worst case scenario? unreciprocated love.. haha. no wonder people are afraid to try... might not even be able to save a strong friendship. sad case. haha.
aiya i am crapping so much. with all the mins, ppt and whatnot still waiting for me -.- on a sidenote, thanks for friday night. haven't enjoyed myself so much in such a long time. hope you all had fun too :D
rachel ♥
8:38 PM
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Wednesday, April 22, 2009
and once again, i fail to convince myself. it's so expected it's underrated. expectations can really kill. garh i'm being incoherent. i can't even phrase my thoughts into words. hopelessly useless.
on a happier sidenote, congrats to my darling juniors. you all totally deserve it, for all the hard work that you all put in, and yes, we're all very proud of you (:
and i no longer dare to dream, for it's been proven that dreams don't come true.
rachel ♥
7:38 PM
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Saturday, April 18, 2009
i need to escape.
someplace, somewhere.
sometimes, silence is really golden.
as long as it's far away from you, so that i can stop imagining things.imagining that things could still be perfect, and we could still go back to where we were.
rachel ♥
1:40 PM
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Sunday, April 12, 2009
i completed 2 csc homework out of 4. wow rachel, wow :x how on earth am i going to finish this, plus mep listening commetary, plus 3 mep essays, i really don't know. i need a miracle. and the feeling is getting stronger...
下一个天亮用起伏的背影挡住哭泣的心
有些故事不必说给每个人听
许多眼睛看的太浅太近
错过我没被看见那个自己
用简单的言语解开超载的心
有些情绪是该说给懂的人听
你的热泪比我激动怜惜
我发誓要更努力更有勇气
时间可以磨去我的棱角
有些坚持却永远磨不掉
请容许我小小的骄傲
因为有你这样的依靠
等下一个天亮
去上次牵手赏花那里散步好吗
有些积雪会自己融化
你的肩膀是我豁达的天堂
等下一个天亮
把偷拍我看海的照片送我好吗
我喜欢我飞舞的头发
和飘着雨还是眺望的眼光
but i'd rather you maintain your indifference; at least there will be no disappointment with no hope.
rachel ♥
11:24 PM
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Saturday, April 11, 2009
Gotta go my own wayI gotta say what’s on my mind
Something about us doesn’t seem right…these days
Life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try
Somehow the plan is always rearranged
It’s so hard to say
But I gotta do what’s best for me
You’ll be okay…
Don’t wanna leave it all behind
But I get my hopes up and I watch them fall every time
Another color turns to grey
And it’s just too hard…to watch it all…slowly fade away
I’m leavin’ today’
Cause I gotta do what’s best for me
You’ll be okay
What about us? What about everything we’ve been through?
What about trust? You know I never wanted to hurt you
What about me? What am I supposed to do…
I gotta leave but I’ll miss you...
I’ve got to move on, and be who I am
I just don’t belong here I hope you understand
We might find our place in this world someday
But at least for nowI gotta go my own way
Hurt my leg again.. wonder how much stupider i can get -.- and the Cambridge Companion to Brahms has like disappeared from the face of earth... ): my mep essays! csc homework! minutes! rachel tang why can't you seem to finish your stuff? so hopeless... one whole series of mep concerts next week and intensive co practices starting, high time we need them though.. amanda! we must charge our phones haha... it's time to get started on that pile of work again.. endless, vicious cycle.
the mixed signals sent...or am i reading too much into them?
but i can't afford to try again. i'm sorry, but i'm really scared
; because i clearly know i'm not good enough.
and will never be.
rachel ♥
10:25 PM
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Friday, April 10, 2009
so, went out with yilin today! (: that lazy pig overslept! :O (as usual) and STILL DARE TO TAKE HER OWN SWEET TIME hor so i waited for her at paya lebar for 45 mins TSKTSK! went bras basah to shop for books (we are hardworking k!) then bugis to walk around (with study session forgotten apparently -.-) and talked before heading to iluma where we wanted to catch shinjuku incident (or sth like that) at the new cinema! BUT it was raining super heavily. and though it was just opposite bugis junction, there was no 'short route' to get there. so me and lyl practically hurried across and we were like almost totally drenched. the minute we stepped into iluma, we both shuddered xD and that silly girl didn't bring her jacket AGAIN.... so we ended up sharing the jacket and sitting at some bench waiting for the rain to stop, and she still dared to comment that we look like some abandoned kids haha! o.0 we flipped thru the papers trying to search for places to watch the movie instead. and ultimately decided on bj o.0 so we ran there for nothing... then we went outside to sit in case the rain stopped. and we saw two SUPER CUTE HUGGABLE i-don't-know-what mascots and we went to take photos with them. the one that was like some huge pau didn't seem to be able to see and he spun round and round to look for us cos we said we wanted to take photo with him.. SO CUTE!!! lyl, remember our date to eat at that place ok! (:
shinjuku incident was... hmmm. super thought-provoking / gory... and it was really very very sad. both lyl and i emo-ed after the show... and bugis has severe lack of toilets! our next must-watch will be a happy one, 17 again! (: and now it's back to the mountains of homework...
我不难过又站在你家的门口
我们重复沉默
这样子单方面的守候
还能多久
终于你开口向我诉说
她有多温柔
虽然你还握着我的手
但我已不在你心中
抱紧我再抱紧我
这一份感动
请你让我留在胸口
别再说是你的错
爱到了尽头是非对错
就让它随风忘了
所有过得比你快活
不要再说
或许这是最好的结果
现在分手总好过你不爱我
一拖再拖
松开你的手
离开你左右
我向前走
这会是我真正的解脱
我真的懂
你不是喜新厌旧
是我没有陪在你身边
当你寂寞时候
别再看着我
说着你爱过
别太伤痛
我不难过
这不算什么
只是为什么眼泪会流
我也不懂
就让我走
让我开始享受自由
回忆很多你的影子也会充满我生活
我并不懦弱
你比谁都懂
虽然寂寞
这会是我最后的宽容
because i don't know how to feel;and you certainly deserve better.
rachel ♥
9:40 PM
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I POSTED!!!! and changed the blogskin too... i feel so accomplished. it's the first time i did it myself! haha! and i spent like 1 hour plus doing everything. i know i'm hopeless o.0
*when i am supposed to be doing the overdue CSC, upcoming-due minutes / MEP / chem tutorial/ math assignment :x* jeenise's favourite song once upon a time, which actually sort of makes sense and i am now addicted to instead of her o.0
girl, i really miss you...
虽然我愿意
请让我靠近你轻轻对你说
别让我每个夜为你受折磨
是多么不容易才默默放手
为了我就当作这次为了我
别让我因为你被回忆折磨
而空气凝结了我们的脸孔
我别无选择
再让我靠近你轻轻对你说
当我说我要你从此好好过
是真的否则我怎么肯放手
为了我就当作这次为了我
赐给我你现在幸福的笑容
别让恨冻结了我们的脸孔
请你做选择
就算我们之间有什么问题
依然想念着你
虽然被放弃
虽然我愿意
就算我们之间有什么难题
黑夜我还想着你
心碎人孤寂
虽然我愿意
心还想着你
going out with dear yilin tmr! <3 (: and there is this super nice wallet... but the price is ouch. heart-wrenching... i should not spend so much on a wallet right? right ):
越是在乎的人越是猜不透
; we would never fit into each other's world.
like what they say, once bitten twice shy. and somehow i stopped daring to make decisions. rarh rachel you suck. stupid girl.
rachel ♥
12:28 AM
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