Saturday, November 7, 2009
what is life? people say life is a gift. oh really?
true, we should be thankful for what we have and leave a life of gratitude and fortitude, but at many times we look at the transcience of it all --
the imperfections, the pain, the obstacles, the challenges, the disappointments, the expectations, the worries, the fear, the unknown, the future, the hurt, the sorrow, the sadness, the dark, the lonely, the empty, the masked, the hidden, the unspoken, the abandoned, the gone, the unachievable, the disowned, the unwanted, the cruelty, the practicality, the impossible, the missed, the lost, the fallen, the conjured, the afraid, the inability, the victimised, the sacrificed, the worthless, the misinterpreted, the forgone, the flawed...
and we think to ourselves, maybe it's time to trade that long-term pain, for the mere seconds of pain which will lead to relief...i finally understood what those people thought, and actually, it may really open the door to forgiveness and release...
i can't do this anymore. i'm sorry, i love you.
rachel ♥
8:49 PM
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Thursday, November 5, 2009
i'm supposed to be practising my piano/ packing my room/ doing lunwen proposal/ H3 proposal/ memorising op script now... ><
(ya right stupid rachel tang if you were unemotional or if you COULD be then you would not be like that now. sucker.) meeting peirong later to dont know do what LOL. love having someone stay near me.. :D miss cheah, you better love it too! haha. both wanted to go shopping but both too lazy LOL. she lost her library card, i don want to watch gossip girl, she wants to eat some pasta thing, i want to eat chicken rice o.0 aiya the point is, we still don know wht to do after lunch ><
(ya... better than thinking of you 24/7..) mr sng's farewell ceremony tmr... sigh... we'll all certainly miss him so so much... hope the fond memories dunman high has left him will be with him for a lifetime.. (: thank you for everything, for being such a great and encouraging principal, and for being the one, dunmanians respect. though i really don't want you to go, it's for the betterment of your future.. so... all the best! (:
i don't even get why i am so scared... the fear is inhibiting everything i want to do about it. i'm just afraid, i guess... of you finding me irritating, of you not wanting to talk to me, of you being upset, of you being stressed, of me being a burden to you, of you.... of you not liking me. RARH. the sea ahead is engulfed by haze... but i'm too far from the shore... what to do? just jump in and drown.. (:
rachel ♥
11:36 AM
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Tuesday, November 3, 2009
OMG MY RIGHT ARM HURTS LIKE MAD I TOOK FORTY-FIVE MINUTES TO BATHE WITHOUT DAYDREAMING/STONING OMGGGGG. haha. who said jabs aren't painful!!! THEY HURT LIKE CRAP GOSHHHHHH. and jyz, SORRY LARH ya i feel retarded for jabbing it on my right hand too cos i am really half-handicapped omg someone help me!!!!! :X
these two days have been pretty eventful. stayed over for pw till ytd, and as usual my grp went crazy HAHA. but i guess this time was the ultimate... from 'arguing' to 'cold-warring' to 'sushi-ing' to sandwiching each other between matresses... plus watching of secret/real madrid match/ xing guang da dao.. no wonder our productivity was o.0 ok larh but it was really fun haha! esp the pillow fights and watching samuel+joylynn play tennis wii. love my pw grp!!! (: managed to somewhat finish the video though, so at least sth accomplished. and surprisingly (and sadly), i was the first one to conk out. sigh. so i kept taking short naps (coffee didn't work larh!) but in the end the whole grp fell aslp about 4 plus... after some chitchatting about the diff mentalities of guys and girls -.- how insightful...
went teoheng with nicholas, pris lee, daniel and bensim+jingjie who joined us like super late.. haha. quite fun..but stupid nicholas had to suan me as usual -.- sighh. duets were fun too.. (: and ting1 hai3 with pris was cool cos we tried shouting HAHA. in the end we really hecked about yin zhun and just shouted practically all the songs o.0 thank god for ben sim's strepsil, which saved my voice + throat haha. oh and, finally gave pris her super belated bday present, hope she liked it though lol. ms mtg after.. (was late lol sorry!) then headed home... all thanks to miss gan who got my facial muscles working -.- linda came back... and we just chitchatted... thanks girls, for everything, regardless of whether they were consolations or lectures. haha. i will think through...
TODAY! jab with jyz which was a horrid experience. thankfully the afternoon made up for it! pw was alright, and stoned in school while waiting to meet jeen and liqin to meet yilin at marina square! (city hall again..) yilin super funny, she didn't know 3 of us were tgt so she was like selectively replying our sms-es and she was pretty shocked all 3 of us sms-ed her o.0 and she was the latest! :D and we thought she got lost lol... wanted to catch a movie but no nice show. hurried to breeks cafe for dinner just in time for the student's meal! :D HAHA. worth it lorh... food wasn't bad, but super filling lol. then just walked around... tricking each other.. suanning each other.. laughing at each other... 'camwhoring'... chitchatting... i love them.. loads. thank you for everything girls, you all never fail to make my day <3
pw trial with miss aw again tmr.. hope everything goes well (: hopefully can catch sister's keeper with jyz (+others) tmr haha. ok, i shall go back to memorising my script and watching yummy yummy :D (and maybe doing lunwen proposal sigh..)
Speechless- The Veronicas
Feels like I have always known you
And I swear I dreamt about you
All those endless nights I was alone
It's like I've spent forever searching
Now I know that it was worth it
With you it feels like I am finally home
Falling head over heels
Thought I knew how it feels
But with you it's like the first day of my life
I thought I could resist you
I thought that I was strong
Somehow you were different from what I've known
I didn't see you coming
You took me by surprise and
You stole my heart before I could say no
Cuz you leave me speechless (the way you smile, the way you touch my face)
When you talk to me
You leave me breathless (it's something that you do I can't explain)
The way you look at me
You manage to disarm me
My soul is shining through
Can't help but surrender
My everything to you
whatever i do... at the back of my mind.. there's always you... i feel so ironic... and i have no choice.. fear consumes me.. i try to be strong so that ppl won't worry.. and i try to deceive myself by thinking that if i act fine i will be.. but it doesn't work this way. they're right in that they can't help me... i have to deal with it myself.. but i don want to.. and i don know.. how to not like you.
rachel ♥
10:18 PM
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Saturday, October 31, 2009
happiness/ fear is a state of mind...
last-minute decision to watch movie today, thank you liqin for going with me <3 hmmmm love happens... not bad, quite meaningful and inspiring actually, and there were like so many couples all around haha.. sweet. thought i'd get a good cry out of it but surprisingly, i only teared... and people around us were like sobbing pretty hard? hmmmm what's wrong with me lol. some parts of the show make alot of sense... and yea, happy ending.. that's the most impt part haha. as much as happy endings may not happen in reality, they always look good in shows (: so once again thanks darling for accompanying me!
ankle still hurts pretty much, but not as pain alr... throat's been recovering (HAH SEE THAT OLI!) though i haven't been really abstaining from food lol but whtever. staying over for pw again tmr, yay love my pw grp. let's see if we can break our record and not sleep LOL. no piano till next sat... temporary happiness (: it's going to be a busy week ahead, pls give me the strength to go through with it.... esp with the flu jab and *gasps* lunwen. speaking of which, i haven't edited my lunwen proposal and i am suddenly so not looking forward to going china with the itenary filled with lectures every weekday morning and lunwen consultation and chionging practically filling up all the nights. add on holiday hw from other subjects, H3, programme notes, and the probable scoldings i will get for not practising piano for a month, and the chionging for orientation and stuff, and pretty much it will equate to a hectic, screwed holiday :x sigh...
when a door towards happiness closes on you, another opens. but too much of the time, we focus only on the closed door so much that we miss the open one... walking around city hall brings back so much memories... missing you, as usual.
rachel ♥
8:23 PM
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Friday, October 30, 2009
went school today for lunwen consultation... slacked around aimlessly with miss khoo (: ... miss khoo went for wushu and i went to canteen.. supposed to find joy but met yx and kiansiong.. [stupid yx :x] linda came over... and we ended up chatting.. HAHA! sorry girl.. and thank you (: went to joy's house.... we... erm... HAHA were supposed to hurry to meet jyz and sam BUT well... we ended up being 20 mins late :x sam and jyz missed 2 31(s) cos of tt, sorry! continued filming at toa payoh.. everything went pretty well? wanted to return to the stadium to catch the sunset but it ended up raining :x and now i'm drenched, kind of at least, and i don't know wht i am still doing in front of the computer... HAHA.
i've made up my mind... i don't mind waiting for you... whether or not others support me, i'll still feel that it's worth it. some tell me to keep the faith and trust in you... i will. and i hope we'll be worth a second shot somewhere in the near future, when the time is right (:
rachel ♥
9:21 PM
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Thursday, October 29, 2009
2nd op trials tmr, going-to-come sore throat + hurting ankle. well done rachel. followed by another disappointing piano session. sigh. life sucks.
do you know.. how much i miss you...?
rachel ♥
12:24 AM
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Tuesday, October 27, 2009
filming today around singapore... lol sorry i shouldn't have done it portrait... sorry sorry... it's been a long day.. rest well yup (: been having piano lessons twice a week to make up for the lessons missed during bsp trip, sigh.... it's really not that i don't practise... but i know you don't believe me, so i really shan't try to defend myself anymore. why is it always like that... why don't you all ever listen to what i say... why... whyyyyyyyyy......................
突然好想你
最怕空气突然安静
最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆突然翻滚绞痛着不平息
最怕突然听到你的消息
想念如果会有声音
不愿那是悲伤的哭泣
事到如今终於让自已属於我自已
只剩眼泪还骗不过自己
突然好想你
你会在哪里
过的快乐或委屈
突然好想你
突然锋利的回忆
突然模糊的眼睛
我们像一首最美丽的歌曲
变成两部悲伤的电影
为什麽你带我走过最难忘的旅行
然后留下最痛的纪念品
我们那麽甜那麽美那麽相信
那麽疯那麽热烈的曾经
为何我们还是要奔向各自的幸福和遗憾中老去
最怕此生已经决定自己过没有你
却又突然听到你的消息
it happened again ytd night... another seemingly real dream... how many more of these do i have to go thru... if you don't want to bring me to heaven, god, why give me the illusions... it hurts to be dropped from heaven to hell within minutes... how much more can i take.. where's the limit... pr... i'm not brave... i'm not strong... in fact, i don't know why i'm so freaking weak.. i thought i'd be ok... and i really tried to be, but as evening came, the same feeling consumed me yet again... how long am i going to take this time... what if... in future.. the feelings have changed... what am i supposed to do then? don't make me give you up... i can't do it.
rachel ♥
7:23 PM
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